Inner Turmoil

I'm sure there's this point in our riding careers where we deeply contemplate putting things on hold.

I'm sure.

But it is really hard for me to even consider to consider the idea.

I just want to do all the things, okay? GOSH why can't everything else just work around that...

HAHA.

For those that are not as up to date in my personal life, I have been noodling the idea to do the grad school thing, for oh, four years now (since I graduated from undergrad), just never really made the final commitment and push to do so.

Thinking logically, I really didn't know what I wanted to get a masters degree in anyways. Pointless to wander around in grad school land with no real direction. Hell, thats what undergrad was for. Thinking monetarily, I couldn't afford to do it at all, even with loans. I still barely can, but adulting.

Now, I have both secured away & I finally sacked up and applied.

My job will pay for approximately 28% of the total cost, and loans will take care of the rest. I also decided on a DUAL masters, because I apparently a masochist and want to make myself cry and lose sleep for two years.

But, in two years time, IF I make it into the program, I will have a shiny *new* piece of paper that I can show everyone and be like, "Look, I did a thing. And I have another piece of paper to show for it"

Just kidding.

But really... MHA/MBA sounds impressive, but all I am really going for is a salary booster and bragging rights, lets be real. Plus my dad has doctorate just for funsies and my mother two masters, so I have to keep up tradition.

In all seriousness though, getting a masters has been a hope and dream of mine since I was a little girl and I am excited/sick to my stomach over the fact that I actually began the process.

Not sure where it will fit in, but I guess I am about to lose a lot of sleep.

I've decided that I need to be more like my mom and channel my inner superwoman and just do it. Its possible to gym, work full time, school and ride. She did all those things, just substitute riding with raising two kids. She turned out fine. Its fiiiiine.

Selling Bacardi to help pay for school flitted across my mind, but really, I don't know if I could now.

We've bonded so much in the last 4 months and I'm really starting to feel a true partnership and to cut that short would kill me.

Plus lets be real, no matter how much we hate them sometimes, or have a bad ride, or bitch about how much they cost, horses mean the world to us. At least they do for me.

I cannot fathom a world where I didn't own a horse. I think about how stressed, tired and over life I will be while pursuing this degree and know that even though I won't have everyday free to ride, just knowing I have that escape will keep me sane. Nothing is better for the soul than the barn. I try to imagine a world where I can't just decide to go feed my horse carrots and listen to the ponies eat. I cant imagine not being able to feel the surge of a powerful creature beneath me. I would hate to not worry about writing that board payment every month, grumbling at the fact that its half a paycheck, because I know that would mean I dont have a horse, waiting with pricked ears, looking for cookies.  Can't even think about how painful it would be to see my boots sitting in the garage, unused. I can't bear to fathom a world where I wasn't frozen to the core while treating a sick horse, or sweating through a tough dressage lesson. I just can't.

Its really eating me up inside, knowing the SMARTER decision would be to take a break, sell all the things, pocket the money and catch up later in life.

But I can't, I has the feels.

I has the feels for a horse.