So Then That Happened, Wherein Now I Feel Like an Idiot

Its no secret that I have zero friends. I don't mean blogging, internet, or faraway friends, I mean friends here in Ohio. Every single longtime BFF I have from OH has either transplanted to another state or lives about an hour away. Even The Boy lives in Cinci which is almost an hour from me. The Wondermare's Mom lives In KS and German Rider lives in Colorado. It really sucks. Maybe I will make friends at my real real job.

Anyways, an old friend from my 4H/beginning eventing days is the only person who lives rather close, but she works so much its almost impossible to see her. She had a few hours to spare yesterday and since I currently do nothing with my life, I was able to meet her. The weather was *nice* and since we spent hours fucking around on ponies as children and tweens we figured for nostalgia's sake that we should go ride.

L circa 2010

L is one of the few who's gotten to jump Yankee XC

I forewarned her what a jerkoff Bacardi has been and that I decided to give him time off, so I would sacrifice myself and let her ride Lilly. She just chuckled and thought I was exaggerating and I was like, no, really.

Backing up fo' a minnut.

Since it was *nice* out (45 degrees), I decided to nab the opportunity to take Bacardi's tail down and wash it. 45* isn't all that warm, but with heated bucket water it wasn't terrible and my hands didn't fall off. I was stunned at how big and fluffy and LONG his tail has gotten.  You all know I prefer to keep tails up, in winter especially, to prevent breakage and mudlocks. Our fields are mudpits and its really annoying. Its been up for about 6-7 weeks which is longer than I normally leave it up, but its been bone chilling cold and I regularly check it & it was more than fine.

fucking swoon

I was prety excited to see it when I took it down & washed it. I swear it grew 4 inches! Major love going on here. And do I spy dapples? <3 p="">
I was feeling a little guilty while tacking up. I had lamented over the decision to take a break from riding publicly& forever, and now that I had finally done it, here I was tacking up le pone for what I could only assume would be a horrible ride. He was ancy, prancy and dancy in the crossties...& the wild wind was not helping. I was extra nice, stuffing his face with treats and brushing his face (literally his fav thing) and saying sorry because I am a terrible horse mom. Lilly on the other hand was super amped to get out. She loves being ridden more than any horse I know. Its weird.

Good ole shaggy girl power walking

Sure enough, as soon as I led him outside his antics amplified and getting on was more than a notion. It took everything I had to try and be gentle while he attempted to rear, prance & bolt. I took this moment to inform L that he also kicks when nervous & to steer clear.

L soon became aware what I spoke of when it came to seemingly unwarranted spooking. It was a glorious example of what I've been dealing with and she was equally as baffled. I however was committed to the ride and forced myself to walk on a loose rein and administer half halts when needed and ignore the jigging.

For once, B actually settled down (barely) after about 15 minutes of prancing, sideways dancing and minor spooks. I was intent on being calm lump on his back.

We continued at a walk for another 20 minutes or so, covering the entire nature preserve, going through about 6 fields, catching each other up on the last 5 1/2 years of our lives. Bacardi continued to settle down and his spooks came less frequently & the jigging dissipated. He was still wound like a rubber band, but I didn't blame him. The weather was shit and it was spitting a little bit.

On our way back I asked L if she would video us just for a few minutes, because either way I wanted new footage.

He gave me a little resistance at first when I asked him to move out, a few head tosses, but then settled right into it like being ridden was old news.

WUT.

PLEASE for all that is good, ignore my equitation & look at everything else. 

In the video I think I say "dude holy shit what is happening. L, are you my good luck charm? What is happening" like 13 times.

He literally was almost perfect. I would say 91% of his normal self. I was so floored I could barely ride, obvious in my terrible terrible posture.

Like, so bad. What is that.

But, hock action...& relaxed topline

And then I was like "OH MY GOD L, HIS TAIL IS DOWN. WHAT THE FUCK. WAS THAT THE PROBLEM THE WHOLE TIME.????"

I cant even

I was barely messing with him, and only using my legs for guidance and support with a few balancing half halts. But even his canter was wonderful. He felt a little weak, no doubt because we haven't really done anything in 8 weeks, but still....wtf.

*insert all emojis here*

So there I sit, on my basically perfect horse again, who's taking the wind, spittle rain and mud like a champ and I feel like the SHITTIEST horse mom/rider/person/blogger alive. I simultaneously want to die and celebrate wildly.

In addition I'm also wondering if this is a fluke (mind into overdrive deal). Maybe it was just for today. Perhaps he likes this field better. Maybe he really just needed 45 min of walking (aint nobody got time fo dat everyday-lets be real). Or maybe, for fucks sake, his tail being up pissed him off & I COMPLETELY disregarded that factor. I looked it over while digging around for more obvious reasons. How stupid.

I should've thought of it. He HATES having his tail brushed and has always been super sensitive when being groomed. Besides face brushing, I think he would prefer it if it never had to happen. I've never had a horse object to tail balls...but then again they all have their quirks.

Blurry but beautiful

So now, I feel like an idiot and a total bitch for being frustrated with him. I *know* just as well as anyone else that 98% of the time its the riders fault. I KNOW this. But I just didn't think that the tail could be the possible issue. I had exhausted everything else on the list of NQR possibilities and came to the conclusion that he was just wild & uncontrollable outside in winter.

"What. An. Idiot."  

           -Hermione Granger

I still don't really know if that was the reason for his beautiful behavior, and won't for a while because the weather turned south fast and the projected windchill for the next 4 days is well below zero. No thanks. But the idea that the issue possibly resolved itself is cool. I'm gonna go find a hole and live in it a for a few days though...#shamed

Cannot get over the relaxation and hind end movement. Cannot.

Tail *worships it*

Mind is whirling & I'm having a hard time organizing thoughts and putting them into words, so I'm going to end it here with a teaser pic that I will eventually post about...

What Do Wednesday: Organization

Favorite comment on my last post had to be "you're adulting so hard right now" haha! Loved it! Thank you ALL for the + thoughts though! I'm pretty nervous about being a real real person with stuff and things to do & like knowing I have the blogging community right thurr with me.

Speaking of stuff and things....Spring is right around the corner. I can feel it. Barely, but I can feel it creepin'. With the Spring comes the cleaning (sidenote I feel obligated to inform y'all to NOT google "spring gifs"...what even...my eyes). I for one, LOVE cleaning (its a sickness) and finally getting all the winter grime off all my things is liberating! The problem with me is that I also love organizing. But I don't really have anything to organize into.

Me.

Most barns have cubbies, lockers, racks and trunks for all their precious's but I have a ratchet barn thats about 1000 years old and no real system of organizing my plethora of wraps, boots and saddle pads.

Its a tragedy.

For one, said old barn means it looks dirty even when its clean. It really needs new paint and a new roof. I also wish all the birds that live in the rafters would vacate. My chickens do not assist in cleanliness. It also IS always dirty. Its like dirt seeps in through all the holes. It won't leave. Ever.

To combat the dirts, all my fluffy stuff (pads, wraps, polos) lives in giant bins you can buy from walmart for $8. They're hideous and large and annoying but, no dirt leakage! My horse boots live in plastic drawers you can also find at Walmart, organized by types of course. My odds and ends (clipper blades, studs, rubber bands, rags) live in a smaller version of stackable plastic drawers. And my leather goods (bridles, breastplates, etc) live in a tiny ass utility trunk thats approx 13 years old. Not even joking. Covered in bumper stickers my 12 year old self thought would be wonderful decorations.

Bridle house

Boot apartments

The saddest part of all of this, is that the dust COVERS the plastic. I'm pretty sure it settles into the plastic and permanently lives there because no amount of fierce hose spraying can get my containers clean. So while everything has a home, they always look dirty. In addition, the plastic drawers DO NOT protect against dirt. So everything that lives in them are forever dirty. Literally defeating the purpose of having a home.

The other part of the problem is I have like 7 bins of stuff. And then I have special bags for my riding boots and helmet. And then I have a grooming bucket. And then I have halter hooks. And then I keep my saddle in the garage on the ATV. I JUST HAVE TOO MANY PLASTIC CONTAINERS & LIVING PLACES FOR MY THINGS.  I realize I could get rid of half of it (GASP) but I can't because packrat.

That being said, I would really like one of these to organize my most relevant shit. Meaning, the stuff I use everyday, or the most often & leave my other crap in plastic containers, in the barn rafters.

I'm pretty confident I could make one & intend to try (see: goals). Not only is it swanky and gorgeous, but it organizes ALL THE THINGS. Removable grooming tray/tote for grooming things and odds & ends, rack for polos/boots/wraps, hangers for leather goods, room for saddle pads, riding boots AND helmet. And you can paint it however you want AND adorn it with a shiny brass nameplate.

I've asked for one for Christmas since I was like 14 so I think its time to organize in style now that I'm adulting.

So dear readers, its your turn...What Do? How do you organize your tack/boots/grooming tools/etc? Do you have a tack trunk? Cubby? Plastic bins?

Feed me your secrets!

Newton's Law

Crossing fingers that the indoor barn situation will work out (currently vying for position)because I am going more crazy than usual with the amount of riding I'm getting in.

Which is none.

100% by choice, but still...killin' me. Figured it was best to take a break from everything (including trailer loading and attempts to get to the indoor) until we figure out the barn situation and just let B be a horse. He's enjoying it thoroughly too. Mud is his favorite thing and he gives me heart attacks daily tearing around his field whenever the wind blows. Not sure if this is excess energy from not being ridden, or just his normal energy in general. Either way, its pretty cute/terrifying.

I didn't tell anyone until it was solidified and in writing, but I switched jobs and I start next Monday. My last position was AMAZING, but only temporary help for AEP (insurance terminology). They helped me get my licensing and I know too much about insurance now, but I was grateful for the experience. But now I am a real real adult with a real real, full time job in a big city & I need to do real adult things. Anyways, I've been unemployed for over a month and its been HELL.

You literally go crazy.

I think I have some form of SADS or February Funk because I have had zero motivation to do anything of worth. Lack of riding is not helping.

But it has given me an insane amount of time to do some thinking. Lots and lots of thinking.

For one, need to revamp "Feb Goal List Thing"

-->to recap:
       1. Nix alcohol
       2. Only 2 "eat out meals a week"
       3. Ride 3x's week
       4. Gym 3x's week

1. Okay. You all told me. Nixing alcohol was dumb. I'm 24 for crying out loud and have friends that go out. I think it should've been a "drink one night a week" or "don't drink yourself into oblivion on those nights". I "could" make this rule happen, but I also am really into peer pressure. That being said, we really did only drink on Saturdays, sooo...win?

2. We ACTUALLY did amazing on the take out rule. Rocked it surprisingly. Not sure if because literally broke, or we don't want to be fat anymore, but we never once broke this rule.

3. This one wasn't working out and probably can't work out until something changes. Working on that.

4. I tried to gym at home. I really did. I was all like "YEAH WILL RUN EVERYDAY.. BIKINI SEASON". But then I forgot its really cold outside with dumb windchills & I have no hamster wheel. I did "okay" with doing body weight exercises inside, but half the time I would do like 30 air squats and a few push-ups and be like, sweet, TV TIME. #Fail #NeedACoach The ONLY thing that has saved me is my diet. Like, seriously, its really good. But I also have all the time in the world to cook right now.

Bacardi stretches and works out everyday

With work starting up again that means my lifestyle will be changing again. Luckily, I'm the type of person that THRIVES on being busy. I obviously do not do well on my own and turn into a giant slug that accomplishes nothing. I am Newton's Law..."objects in motion will stay in motion and objects at rest will stay at rest"<---me br=""> I also think half the problem is non specifics. General or broad goals leave me a lot of room to negotiate with myself. Its a real issue. First step is admitting you have a problem. Check.

B has no problem getting all 4 off the floor

That being said, "My Brand New 6 Week Goal Plan" was born inside my brain and since I have no horse posts to write, I figured I would continue onward with the Fitness Blog Hop with spanking new ideas.

In the Fitness area; I sadly will not have access to a CrossFit gym. Its not in the budget and Fancy Adult Job (FAJ) provides a gym for all employees (YAY!). This is an interesting issue, because I won't have to pay for a gym & it will be inside my building BUT I won't have someone to kick my ass everyday. I will attempt to follow the WODs daily, but I have a tendency to fall back on the normal "jog on the treadmill for ten and then pick things up and put them down" because I am lazy. Solution, print off giant photo of Nina Agdal and worship her abs. #Motivation.

Seriously though, I downloaded the WOD app, I packed a gym bag and intend to stick to it. At least 3 days a week I shall gym. I SHALL.

In the Food area; Like I said, I actually have a pretty excellent diet...almost strictly Paleo 5 days a week. I still heart dairy, but whatever, I have no desire to go full Paleo because that would suck all the joy out of life. I also tried strict Paleo for a month and literally almost died. My body was like

I thought it would be super duper difficult to make the change and eat a certain way (because lets be real, I fucking LOVE food..and not the kind that is good for you). The best tip I found was "find what you like to eat and eat it". The easiest thing for me was to print out a giant sheet of "paleo approved foods" and circle what I knew I liked and go from there. I chose paleo because it has a ton of options and a lot of the stuff is super tasty (see below for my daily ritual). Trust me, as a picky eater myself, it IS possible to eat well.

As for my "goals" though I will keep it as is. No more than 2 "eat-out" meals a week and attempt to keep balanced meals throughout the week once I start work. Food prep food prep food prep..necessary evil. I also have an stupid hard time staying hydrated. I can go all day at home without a drop of water. First step will be finding a jug or bottle. Second step, chug that shit all day. Drink all the water.

**Warning, lengthy explanation next, skipping allowed**

You can't just eat whatever you want though on Paleo. I mean, bacon is Paleo approved and I couldn't just eat bacon all day. Though that was would be awesome.

I learned that veggies and fruits are your friend. Get as colorful as possible (hard for me, because veggies are disgusting). Protein is necessary, and chicken is a lean option, but definitely not limited to that. Whole grains are an excellent way to stay full longer. And good fats are a requirement.
With tons of research I learned how to mix & match and what was best to eat when. For me, I eat a HUGE breakfast. Its actually extremely difficult for me because I'm not a huge breakfast person, & it usually takes me an hour to get it all down. But I usually have a breakfast quiche (turkey, egg, cheese all baked), with some whole grain "cereal" (home made grain mixes) & as much fruit as I can stomach, plus coffee! Tons of protein, some fats, and some short/long lasting carbs. I only like apples and strawberries for the most part. Today I tried Almond milk infused quinoa with almonds and berries. Sometimes I make cottage cheese pancakes, and those are really tasty protein nuggets. This week I'm trying Protein muffins!
For lunch I try to eat as many veggies as I can stuff down, with some protein (3oz). I HATE veggies. They seriously taste like dirt. So I tend to stick to big (mean BIG) salads with chicken or turkey meat and just oil/vinegar as a dressing, lettuce & meat wraps, a shitload of carrots with protein...or dinner leftovers! This week I am trying Tuna Patties and Avacado Tuna Salads for lunch!
For dinners, its usually some form of chicken (occasionally pork, beef or fish) and a ton of veggies. I stick with sweet potatoes, asparagus and brussel sprouts. I hate all of it but I know its good for me so I just stuff it down and salt it a bit. I'm obsessed with quinoa and have an amazing Lime Chicken & Black Bean Quinoa Salad recipe as well as a bangin Quinoa & Turkey Chili. This week I'm trying Rosemary Chicken and Salmon with Sweet Potato Fries!
I also eat a lot of whole grain snacks and fruit/cheese in between meals. I also drink 2 cups of green tea a day in addition to my morning coffee. I swear by it!
 I pretty much eat the same thing everyday. Its easy when you have a routine & things you know you like. BUT, with limited time at home to prep, I'm wondering how bored I will get with the "routine" meals I've been eating that are quick to make. Lately I've been trying to vary it a lot since I have the time to cook it. My mom LITERALLY has eaten the same thing for lunch for like 5 years. Not even joking. The same thing. I cannot do that, but I also will have very limited time to cook and cooking actually takes a while. Will have to figure out what will work best with time and space constraints. #ThatGirl #BigAssCooler

**OK its over!**

As far as alcohol goes...I think sticking to one day a week is reasonable. I'm a huge fan of vodka, wine a beer stouts

When its comes to horsey things...Bacardi is at least getting the rest of Feb off. Its going to kill me, but I know its probably best for now. After that, if we get the barn spot, I intend to ride 4x's a week. I would like to start incorporating pole/jump work into our sessions and can't wait for the opportunity if that happens. Again, I would like more consistency with transitions, especially UP. His lateral work has a lot to be desired too. Straight and forward is more important to me than sideways when beginning lateral work. Jumping wise I want to introduce baby grids. 

I can haz jumps

I also have a few things I've always wanted to try my hand at. For one, we all know I'm obsessed with polos. But did y'all know I can sew? Yeah, machine or by hand. Thank you Grandma! I would LOVE to make some really cool polo wraps or even take an old tattered sheet and make it into a quarter sheet for riding. I think those would be really cool projects! I also have ALWAYS wanted a wooden tack trunk. Thanks to my dad, I am slightly skilled in woodworking and I know with blueprints I could figure out how to put one together. I'm actually a huge fan of powertools, which comes in really handy when making repairs at the barn. 

I also still need to clean my tack. And attach the plates to Bacardi's things.

Other...I didn't have this "category" before, but I feel its necessary. The Boy and I discussed being productive and using our brains to promote feelings of well-being and purpose. I actually MISS college.. We decided to learn spanish. I was HORRENDOUS at foreign language all through school so I know this one will be tough for me. But, The Boy was once fluent, so with his help I think its possible. 

I've also wanted to start tart a travel savings account with said Boy, in addition to contributing to real real adult savings accounts. Because travel.

I also also started an Etsy for my artwork and am really hoping to get a few more commissions this year. Mostly I've just been doodling and I have no real goal or purpose in mind when I pick up a pen, pencil or paintbrush.

I should also prob get away from drawing thoroughbreds that look left ...haha!

Lastly, I've been putting off reorganizing/updating my ipod for ages. I might be the only person on the planet with an ipone that doesn't have music on it, but I prefer my tiny nano ipizzle when working out/riding. I literally only have one playlist though..and all the music is from like, middle school. Need. Organization.

So to recap, in case anyone got lost/bored along the way...

1. Gym at least 3x's a week, stick to WODs, motivate thyself however possible

2. Food no more than 2 "eat-out" meals a week, drink all the water & don't get bored with meals and cheat

3. Alcohol saturdays only

4. Riding nothing until Mar 1, then 4x's week. Lateral work (forward, straight), Transitions (esp UP), introduce baby grids

5. Horse stuff learn how to make polos, quarter sheet, tack box (and make them), actually clean my tack and attach tags to said tack

6. Non-horse stuff start to learn spanish, travel savings account, organize music, make Etsy better, art more

Thank you all for your attention..now bak to your regularly scheduled programming

Taking Action

No WDW today; follow up post from yesterday...Thinking "out loud" here.

First off, I appreciate every single person who read this, and those who read it and commented. I value all of the opinions, advice and reads! Literally the entire reason I blog and share all my experiences with everyone.

To address possible issues:
Disease/Pain. I've already had a vet out . Besides scoping for ulcers ($$$), they did a work up on everything else. B is supposedly fine. Didn't think about Lyme, but I'm sure the vet did some sort of something in the scope of their exam to rule that out. They pulled blood and all that jazz. Palpated every inch of his body, checked feet, back, loins, neck, teeth...everything. So that base is covered. Chiro, has not been (will bring up in a moment).

Cooped up. He also is on 24/7 turnout right now by himself, right next to Lilly. I do this so they have their own round bales (AKA free choice hay).  He's pretty skittish in the stall and seems to enjoy the outdoors so I only bring them in now when the weather gets pretty bad. B quite enjoys stuffing (literally) his face into his round bale & getting really dirty. I have definitely seen him tearing around his field like maniac, and he looooves his giant field.

Inconsistency.It seems that it does not matter how often or little I ride him either. Some weeks I can work him 4 times, and others only once, and everytime he's the exact same. No amount of distractions with lateral work or trying to get him to move forward will mitigate the explosions. He CAN move forward, just does it with many tantrums & frivolity. However, I am well aware young horses (OTTBs in particular) need consistent work. If it were up to me, I would ride 4 days a week or more, but my farm makes that a wee bit impossible in the winter with the varying terrain and sogginess levels.

Pressure. I can see where some of you are coming from with this one, but I'm not following. With the beginnings of winter came the cold temps & questionable ground. In turn, decreased chances to ride. When I do ride, if I'm not simply taking him on a hack down the road, I'm barely asking for a few walk- trot transitions. To me that doesn't seem wildly unfair or pressuring him into anything. All I wanted was a few quiet transitions and some long walks, and I can't even get that. Perhaps someone could explain what you meant?

Pain. To the best of my knowledge, my tack fits him. Not saying I'm an expert by any means, I know this, but I do have some knowledge of proper tack fit. That being said, after all other possibilities are exhausted, I am willing to bite the bullet and consult a saddle fitter *gulp*.

Trainer (or lack thereof). Its been 7 years since I've been in a  real lesson program. Slightly depressing to realize thats how long I've been out of High School and not been with an instructor. To be honest, I did not enjoy weekly lessons past my 15th birthday, but did appreciate the coaching at shows (if they even had time for me) and bi-weekly touch up sessions. The only people I can ask right now are horse friends that are in other states and his previous owner, and no one has seen the behavior first hand.

Which brings me to my solutions.

Gratuitous picture of B to break up the text

The reason I've been lamenting online to all of you is that I've exhausted every reason *I* could fathom as to why B is acting the way he is. I feel I've eliminated all of those factors, to a point. I know our work has been inconsisent. But it was also inconsistent in th summer. Half the time it was too hot, or my leg hurt too badly to ride, sometimes for weeks at a time. And B was perfect, no matter how much time he had off. That leads me to believe it has SOMETHING to do with the SEASON. Be it the extreme weather & cold, or the footing, I think that is the underlying issue. 

So I think the next step is to move him to an indoor boarding barn. I've hesitated for so long because I enjoy having my horse(s) on my own property, 30 seconds from my doorstep. I like being in control of what goes in their body. I like seeing them 3-4 times a day. I like saving money. 

But I also reaaaaalllllly like riding my horse. And jumping. And not cleaning anything. And being able to leave for a weekend without having an aneurism over who will feed for me.

So I am talking to a local Eventing barn owner TODAY and taking the official tour of her farm. We've been there twice to ride at her indoor, but I never really walked through the pastures, looked at the stalls or feed. Not getting my hopes up yet, but I think it will work. Trying not to think about how much it will cost me & focus on the benefits it will bring! Not only will I be able to ride at night after work, but I can JUMP indoors, at night, after work, if I want to. 7 days a week if my heart desires. No matter what the weather. UM...YES PLEASE. And also, lessons are available. Which I will take advantage of for now. My bank account will hate me, but I think I really need to do this. 

A lot of you seemed to hint that perhaps Bacardi is not the horse for me, and that there is no shame in moving on. Which I can agree with. No shame in admitting that. But to me, he's worth trying for. I bought him for a reason. I WANTED him for a reason. I'm not going to give up the second it gets hard.  Sure, right now his behavior is mildly dangerous, but there's a reason for it I just haven't found yet. And thats not his fault. I went through YEARS of rough patches with Yankee. Years of tears and frustrations. OTTBs are not easy, but I love them. Bacardi is a special boy and I intend to do everything in my power to figure this out. One, because I'm stubborn, but two, because I really think this can be solved. I know I voice my frustrations openly, but thats all they are. 

If after some time at the boarding barn Bacardi does not improve, I am willing to make more steps. For one, I want to wait on treating for ulcers. Right now, I can't ride even if I wanted to, so making the move is THE first step. He was cool as a cucumber when we went 6 weeks ago, so if his behavior remains the same I will bust out the GastroGuard. Then, if he still is NQR, I will have the vet (AND/OR chiro) back out to recheck everything. If he still does not improve, saddle fitter. 

I am confident that moving him will be the answer....only time will tell though. I could be wildly wrong.

Again, the positivity from everyone is amazing and I love that people are interested in our journey! Much love. 

Thanks guys!

SADS

I was so impressed with the level of response I got from my last post. I didn't intend it to be such a great discussion post and honestly thought y'all would tell me to buck up and stop complaining. Its reassuring to know that I'm not the only one frustrated with Eventing and the direction its headed, so thank you guys for that!

I also made a tiny blurb about being mildly frustrated with my current horsebeast and riding in general, and that remains true.

I rode once last week and it was so horrible, again, that something in me snapped.

I don't want to be done, but I feel so done.

I want to ride so badly, but I don't.

I cannot grasp why my wonderful, beautiful horse is acting like the world's douchiest bastard.

All I wanted to do was hack down the road and have a nice, relaxed, no pressure ride. I had a breakthrough (or so I thought) with my last ride and really wanted to try out my theory.

The first half of the ride was great. I rode basically on the buckle and he seemed to take note and was relatively relaxed and swingy. We just walked since I wanted to keep it easy. I breathed a sigh of relief. For once we might have a good winter ride!

And then halfway down the road Bacardi must've seen something that pissed him right off because without warning he reared straight in the air and spun and tried to peace out.

Noting, that I had been riding on a loose rein and we've probably walked down our road a good 50 times since I've owned him.

So what the fuck.

Imaginary ghosties and ghoulies.

He literally spent the last mile home snorting, prancing and half rearing and it was all I could do to not cry or rip his face off in frustration. WHY couldn't he just fucking walk? Why can't we have ONE nice ride this winter? WHY. I barely touched him! I didn't ask anything of him!

For the first 5 months I owned this horse he never once reared under saddle. Not one time. He rarely spooked either. He tried so hard to please me. He made HUGE strides in progression & I loved it.  was THE most perfect baby and I looked forward to riding him everyday.

And now I can't stand it.

I know everytime I get in the saddle, hoping we might have a nice ride, I'm actually going to end up riding a wild bronco and it breaks my heart everytime. Its like, what am I even doing now, what is the point. I've NEVER had a horse this difficult, ever. Even asshole Murphy or wild baby Yankee. I've never been afraid for my safety, or my horse's. I've never dreaded getting in the saddle. And now I do.

With Yankee, Murphy, or any other difficult horse at least we had positive, encouraging and progressive rides sprinkled throughout the bad ones. I know all riders/horses have bad days and bad rides but the consistency of our bad days is really eating me up inside.

My mind is my greatest enemy, but who would want to ride, knowing its going to be shit everytime, no matter what.

I'm so sick of it & I want it to get better.

If this is how every winter is going to be with him I don't know if I can do this.

I just want that horse back and I'm losing my mind over it. I cannot grasp how an older horse, with more experience can backslide so horrendously, when his younger self was literally an angel. Its like night and day difference.

The last thing I want to do is not ride the rest of winter, but even when I want to the weather or the ground prevent it from happening. And then when I want to and can, its terrible everytime and nothing I do makes it better.

Then I sit and think about how shitty this will be if he maintains this level of fuckery into spring and summer and I never get my calm, wonderful baby back. I couldn't deal with that. I have a surplus of patience and love and understanding for retraining babies, but I cannot tolerate dangerous behavior that makes riding zero fun. I'm terrified this isn't just a horsey version of SADS and he is stuck like this forever.

Seriously frustrated and about done.

Am I overreacting? Do I really need to just give it up until spring and hope his attitude improves? Or did I break my horse and he's forever an asshole...

SMH

Thank you all for the wonderful compliments on all my babies! I miss all of them, but I know they are in good homes (or heaven RIP Spirit), and I cherish every day I got with them.

If you're like me, you spend the majority of you evenings stalking COTH, blogs and Facebook for horsey related news because as The Boy likes to say, "I'm addicted to the naynays". Its true. I am. Forever.

Recently though I've been feeling pretty discouraged (another post on that later), wondering what am I REALLY doing and getting more & more frustrated with the direction my sport is heading.

It started a while ago when eventing took away the long format. I had just recently entered the sport and was hooked. Back then, I had a little bit of familial support, but I still had to front most of the cost myself as a teenager in HS. And I wanted it, so I made it work. But I distinctly remember the uproar that change caused in the eventing community. I was even "that girl" who chose it as the thesis of my english class research paper.

It was a difficult paper to write since there wasn't much research done on the topic, more opinions floating around than anything else, but I dug in and read more articles and books on equine fitness than I care to ever again.

I still don't have a specific "opinion" on the matter after all of that, but I knew deep down that the sport had been changed forever.

That was just the beginning.

Im not sure if its because I was a spritely young thing, but NOTHING scared me & I always went into each event with vigor and fervor for competition. Even on Spirit, who was fugly and awful at dressage, I STILL loved it, even when we were in dead last after dressage. Even with an awful coach who made me cry, I STILL loved it. I wanted to show every weekend and tried my hardest to do so.

Like, really ugly

I worked SO hard with that horse, and the greatest moment in my life is when we won FIRST place at USPC champs in Novice. I couldnt believe it! My backyard, newspaper horse had killed it and we had WON. 

Our last show together (training level)

I haven't won a recognized event since, and thats okay. I loved it nonetheless. The feeling of galloping XC, getting fancy for the judges and competing against other people and myself. I never had the privilege of riding "made" horses or being able to afford weekly lessons, so I did most of the work myself, slugging day in and out trying to make it work with my OTTB & backyard pony & I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm not sure when "the feeling" changed for me though.

Shows were getting more expensive. Dressage was becoming more important. The judging changed. You could no longer move up in the jumping phases if you had a less than stellar score. People started riding fancier WB's. XC got harder. It was becoming harder and harder to do it alone, and without a coach I started slipping and it wasn't as fun anymore.

I think it really changed for me when Yankee and I had the best test of our life and placed 3rd after dressage. He was fluid, responsive, & calm all throughout sleeting rain and freezing temperatures. We had trained for YEARS to get to that point. I was so proud of him and knowing *I* had made that test happen. But then we went out for XC and it all fell apart. The cold was unbearable. The course was INSANE. We shared half the fences with Prelim and I had never done some of the combinations before, and I went out already nervous. It was the first show of the year and we shared fences with PRELIM. WHY?!

Such perfection

And then I fell off for the first time at a show, ever.

Done. Shattered.

Every show I went to after that just wasn't fun. Yankee was amazeballs in dressage and we still rarely scored under a 35 or even placed in the ribbons. XC was terrifyingly complex & maxed out, and stadium was always difficult and we barely made it. I was literally throwing away money to show, & I wasn't even having fun. It was really discouraging & I wondered if it was just me being a wuss.

Then there were the converted hunter princess's out there with their headsettin, fancy steppin horses creaming us all, and it was infuriating. I couldn't believe judges were placing horses with no true connection above other people who had the correct training under their belts, but less fancy horses.

I wasn't the only one who noticed either. Dressage was changing, for the worse. In my circle of people, we couldn't believe it. It seemed that if you had a horse with fancy feet that could curl his head, you placed above everyone else. Nevermind that his back was as hollow as a dead tree, no, he could trot like an imported WB (if he wasn't one already).

Not to mention by this time the upper levels were becoming almost scary to watch. XC was way too technical and the speeds remained the same. Even the great riders seemed to struggle with the technicalities of the courses. Horses and riders started dying. The jumps became harder still.

I started to prefer local, cheap, fun shows over anything else.

Spring dressage show

Winter jumper show

And I just don't get it.

What is the actual point of making everything so damned difficult on XC that riders have to consistently push their horses beyond what their capable of?

Denny from Tamarack Farm in a FB article said it best,

If THIS is what the FEI wants the "new" sport to be, tricks and traps and angles, and other idiot crap that no sensible horse would want to jump, then I think they are painting themselves into an increasingly dangerous corner.These are THE BEST horses and riders we have in eventing. These are brilliant riders and elite horses, and even the very best of our very best are having rotational falls.
Seriously, does ANYONE like to see this?
Wake up, FEI.

Its becoming a game of who has the most money, who can dressage the very best and hopefully make it over fences later and how else can we discourage riders.

Perhaps I am being a titch dramatic, but I lost the spark a while ago and I just don't know if I even want to get it back with the direction eventing is going.

Am I the only one who feels this way in the blogsphere, or have you other eventers noticed eventing following a path you don't know if you want to take anymore?

TOABH: Worth 1K Words

Since the weather is shit and I'm slowly recovering from dental work like a whiny baby, I figured I would share a few hundred of my favorite pics of my favorite horses over the years and make it into a picture sharing TBT!

My babies have always been my pride and joy and I'm not sure many of you know about Dolly, Spirit,  Murphy, Dutchess (no pictures) Ajax, Pearl or Z.

Dolly was my first horse and she was stinker. My parents were horse clueless and didn't know that hot, fat, arabian, chesnut mares were total bitches, but I loved her just the same.

Sadly, that was before the days of iphones and digital cameras and almost every picture of her is printed out in family albums. There were some good ones though.

Spirit came next and he was my Heart Horse like no other. He was an Anglo-Arab I foudn in the Dayton Daily News classifieds, ha.

XC in 2007...to be that tiny again

He was difficult on the flat and extremely ugly when it came to conformation but that horse would literally jump anything I pointed him at.

Triple bar during Equine affaire Darren Chiacchia clinic

Again, we barely have any pictures of him while I owned him, but his rider in the last years of his life has a ton. RIP Buddy.

Fox Hunting right before his death (left)

Precious angel pony

We then acquired several horses at once. We already had Yankee, but  I got a project horse named Murphy, a QH named Dutchess (who now belongs to my HS BFF's mom) and 2 mini's.

Loved this asshole

Murphy was a jackass and could jump the moon....when he felt like it. Which was usually out of the pasture. He also hated flatwork and most people But he was gorgeous!

This is Ajax, the mini stallion, and he was beautiful and sassy and perfect. Murphy hated him with vengeance, but Yankee adored him. We bought him with a mini mare, whom I named Pearl and she ended up popping out a baby a few months into ownership.

How fucking cute

We sold Ajax to a woman who showed cart ponies and she added him to her breeding program. He was one fancy dude. I na,ed the baby Zephyr and she was my little puppy.

Yankee adored the mini's

Pearl & Z 3 years later

I loved those mini's but had to sell them when I moved to college. Z came with Yankee but I ended up selling her to a family that loves on her and has her pull the cart occasionally. I hope to get mini's again!

Yankee was my main focus all through college and I have so many pictures of him that I racked up over the last 10 years. These are my favorites.

2009

2011

2012

2011

2008, first training

2014

2014

2013?

5ft, 2014

And then, we moved here and I bought Bacardi. I have so many pictures of him already but the standouts would have to be the next few.

Gotcha Day!

Disregard my eq plz & just admire pony muscles

Again with the eq

Whenever we try to be cute

I miss Yankee everyday, but I'm excited to see where Bacardi might take me! Love me my OTTBs.

Prolly one of my fav of all time