Oh This Will Not Do

Let me start off with a disclaimer. I am insanely grateful for everything in my life. I try not to take any of it for granted, as you never know when it will be gone. There are people that have it much worse, and I am very aware. VERY aware. But I am on the struggle bus. In fact, I think I'm driving it. TOOT TOOT, all aboard.

But really, what is new? My life for the last since 6 years has been a shitstorm and I've accepted that this is just life. Adulting will never get easier. I'm really new to it. SOme of you have got the hang of it by now, but I'm just over here like "halp". As some say, life sucks and then you die.

I try to think of it a wee bit more positively, but I will say that I am feeling the pressure.  Sometimes it gets slightly trying.

The not getting chores done, feeling rushed all the time, barely eating, rarely sleeping is semi okay with me. Its the riding once or twice every 8 to 11 days thats starting to really wear on me.

I'm LOVING every ride we've had lately, its just so intermittent. It literally makes me want to cry thinking about it. Like, I've had this horse almost a year now and we've been to exactly zero shows and done a whole lot of nothing.

Generally, I blame my work schedule.

Who in the hell thinks its a good idea to start at 10ish AM? Thats smack dab in the middle of the best daylight hours. Not to mention my commute is RIDICULOUS.

A small taste into my world if you care...

4:45 AM: rise and shine betch
5:15 AM: feed the creatures
5:30 AM-5:55AM: Drive to gym
6AM-7 AM: get my WOD on
7AM- 7:35 AM: drive home
eat at some point, maybe
lay out clothes, pack lunch, do stalls, clean chicken coop, etc
8:15 AM tack up
8:25 AM- 8:45AM: ride (but not really do much because time)
scurry to untack
9:10 AM: maybe shower, maybe get life together
9: 25 AM: leave for work
10:15 AM: sit ass in chair, begin work
7 PM: end work
7:15 PM-8PM: driving home
8:15 PM feed animals, do stalls etc etc
9:15 PM bed
lay awake until 11.

Repeat.

Don't event think about a social life.

Scratch riding if it raining, which it has been for the last WEEK. Or if I'm working OT (8AM-7PM T/Th to help PAY for the damn horses) Also I'm not very motivated to hack my horse down the road every other day because that does a whole lot of nothing over time but make both of us equally as bored. I need circles, I need jumps, I need something.

He really liked his BOT pad...that we've used once...in the last 2 weeks

It is the epitome of a first world problem, but I'm going to bitch about it because I have an amazing horse and no time to work with him.

It is BEYOND frustrating. I'm always tired. Nothing gets done (like literally nothing). No time to read blogs, or blog in general. I keep forgetting to do important things like fill my car up with gas. I think I forgot to wash my hair 3 days in a row once last week. My horse doesn't get ridden. His topline is completely gone. The barn is a mess. I'm wondering what the point to all of this is. Essentially I need the job to have a horse. I need to live where I do to have a horse. But those two things are making it impossible to ride said horse.

I feel like this would ALL get fixed if my work schedule was 8 AM to 5 PM since those are like, normal hours. But theres no way to change it. So its like, I either have this amazing horse in my field and maybe ride him once every week or so, or I sell the thing and enjoy nothing else outside of work. Either way, rather miserable.

Not to mention the to-do list outside of my equine and work life is getting scary and I keep just shoving it  in my bag hoping it will disappear.

Some days I wake up and I'm like

But by then end of the day after going hard for 16 hours I'm just like

And thats how it goes. And I literally don't know how to fix it. So thats my bitchfest for now. Sorry.

Monica out.