Thursday, May 2, 2013

White Flag

I know I haven't posted in over a week. Thats because nothing good has happened. Of course, because everything was going so well finally.

I shouldv'e seen it coming. I won't go into the major boring details, but my emergency $ fund is depleted, and my truck is broken down. Monica has no money/truck, Monica doesn't get to go to Mill Creek next week.

I know, you guys are all thinking, "Just find a ride!" Yeah. As if it were that easy. Mid-Missouri is the butthole of equestrianism and there are MAYBE 6 eventers in a 50 mile radius. Maybe. All of them have full trailers, can't contact, or aren't going to Mill Creek. Even if I could hitch a ride with someone from STL coming through town, I don't have a stall to stay on grounds because I was going to stay with a friend and trailer back and forth. I also have zero dollars to pay a hauling fee or gas, or a stall now and doubt I can make it up in a week and a half with bills due (thats a whole 'nother story. Mostly, life is trying to kick my ass).

Basically a clusterfuck.

Bye $300 entry fee. Bye $200 I spent on schooling. Bye all the other $ I spend on riding.

In addition to allergies I never knew I had, I've been feeling like dog shit about the whole thing and ridden once this week. Once.

I find it pointless to ride. Even if I were going, it'd most likely be the only one I get to do this year (thanks to my emergency fund being wiped out) per usual the last three years. We would prolly get last place again, per usual. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm SICK of working my ass off to pay show fees. SICK of having a sub par horse who will never win anything, no matter how much I love him or work with him. SICK of living paycheck to paycheck despite having a college degree. SICK of trying and not getting anywhere. I'm almost 23 and never gotten past prelim. There are peopel at Rolex younger than me.

I've tried for 17 years and I haven't gotten anywhere.

I know. I'm being a baby. Ya'll are gonna lecture me about how I have a great horse, how I have more than most people could dream of etc etc, but to me, its not enough. I've always been competitive and getting to the upper levels has been my dream my entire life. Thousands of dollars of MY MONEY, my hard earned money, wasted on mediocre talent. I know I know, "awww poor Monica, Can't go to the fancy expensive horse show with her big horse because her truck broke down", first world probs to the max. I get it. I'm being ridiculous. But have you ever wanted something so badly you would do anything? Well. I've done all the things...and its gotten me nowhere.

But to me its not enough anymore. I'm not happy struggling my way to mediocrity.

Almost everything seemed to crash around me last weekend and I think its a sign. I just need to stop trying. Its never gonna happen.
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