I Can't Even

I can't even think of a title for this post. Absolute fuckery? Of course this happens to me? I might the universes worst horse owner? Wherein I dump all my hard earned money on horse related expenses? Why do I never have GOOD luck? Wherein I almost faint? All those titles are acceptable.

The vet came.

Before I explain the ratchet fuckery that was this mornings vet appointment I would like to make a disclaimer: Shit happens and people make mistakes.

So remember LAST WINTER when Yankee got some weird fungus, his tailbone got infected and all his tail hair fell out? Yeah. Well apparently it never healed all the way and has been festering/growing/something since then and I NEVER NOTICED. How is that possible??? I obsess over that tail. Longtime followers know. They know the pain that was my horses' gorgeous thick tail losing half its volume.

WHen the fungus healed up, it "calloused" as the vet liked to say. The bone thickened at the end, almost like scar tissue. However, verrrrrrrrrry slowly it grew. Which I didn't notice because of how painfully slow it was growing.

Until it started producing copious amounts of pus. Noticed that approx 6 days ago when I went to give his tail its weekly bath. I searched for a wound and couldnt really find one so I washed it with scrub, put fly pintment on it and let it be. There was a lot of hair surrounding it. I kept checking on it until two days ago when it starting bleeding profusely. I chopped a shitload of his tailhair off (Yes, I cried) to further investigate and I almost fainted when I cut all the hair away and the tip of his tail came apart. Yes literally CAME APART from the rest of his tailbone. Apparently the "growth" was beginning to fall off and I never noticed because it was still fused to the tailbone and looked normal until a week ago.

IMMEDIATELY DIAL VET FRANTICALLY.

I think I laid awake for two nights fretting, worrying and telling myself I was quite possibly THE WORST owner in history.

Luckily the vet reassured me I was not and I did the right thing to call. I also told him that I felt bad for not calling last week when it was just pussing a little and he reassured me again that even if I had called then, the result would have been the same.

Remove the bottom 3 inches of his tail head. WHAT.

SO I got to see that ans almost fainted again, mixed with horrendous feelings of guilt, shame and hearing my bank account going cha-ching! cha-ching! OF COURSE I was exceptionally worried for my horse but he never felt it and up until last night his tail NEVER bothered him.

I spared you guys pictures of the actual tailbone

 Hearing your horses' tail get chopped off is a sickening sound and I practically burst into tears in guilt, feeling like I did my horse a disservice by not noticing. How much more thoroughly could I have checked his tailbone? I obsessively did. I guess I'm just a dumb ass and he had to pay for it.

So, sedative, farm call, minor surgery, extraction, medications and a biopsy later I can't even imagien what the total for my idiocy will be.

I know for a fact I won't be able to pay the vet in full for the bill, but they at least accept payments but I feel better knowing I did the right thing for my horse. I might be a little harsh on myself but I feel horrible- I feel liek I should've noticed my horses' god damn tail falling apart. He seems no worse for the wear though and I left him happily munching hay.

I'm going to hide under my covers in shame though for a week or 5.