Tuesday, July 15, 2014

How The Chickens Are Ruining My Life

 Do you ever have problems that are quite possibly unsolveable without drastic actions such as murder?

Tasty, tasty murder.

My dads chickens are ruining my life.

They are causing me great pain and frustration and I literally want to kill them, not just figuratively.

For the past two weeks since the ladies have discovered they have legs and can leave the coop, they have set out to destroy my life. I am sure of it.

I don't even particularly care for chickens, but put up with them because I have to. They are nasty, evil and conniving little fucks.  I prefer ducks because they are adorable and make cute sounds and eat bugs.

Each and every morning  I walk to the barn and am greeted by tiny dinosaurs cooing at me like I am their favorite human on earth and and always am like

And then I walk into the barn and see what theyve been up to all night and instantly become enraged with fury that can only be compared to stubbing your big toe on the same corner of your coffee table every single morning and in turn spilling your coffee all over you and ruining your shirt, and the floor and the couch and now your toe is bleeding and you want to kick something but can't because your foot is quite possibly going to fall off and the anger bubbles up and you want to explode.

So I'm standing in the absolute destruciton that is my usually immaculate old barn and the fucking chickens just staring at me like

and I'm like

and can't stop looking around my barn in horror like

 There is shit everywhere, always, not matter how often I hatefully scrape it off. Like, seriously everywhere. On every surface of everything. the floor. My tack. My hay. My feed bins. Every fucking door, ledge, railing, fan, and rafter. Talk about hella flies.

You would think that would be the worst part, but no. Its not.

These bitches can't just be satisfied with destroying my aisle and belongings. These are different kinds of poultry beasts. The most kind of evil. They sit around waiting for one of my other shit machines to void and then swoop down on that steamy pile like it chocolate cake.

I've witnessed this horror. They first start flinging the poop with their feet. FLINGING. It goes everywhere. First off, EW. Second, WHY. Why would they ignore the very expensive, specially formulated chicken scratch that I give them everyday and go after the leftover, partially digested oats in horse poop?


This action makes it the most frustrating to clean stalls. Not only do the chickens tear each poop pile up into soggy shreds, but then the boys with their big ass feet grind in into the sawdust and makes it virtually impossible to pick up. Nothing works.

So I have resorted to stripping the stalls everyday. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Because there is no line between clean and dirty. Which in turn leads to and extreme usage of sawdust.. It is all one big soggy shitpile mess and its all the chickens faults.

So, now I have a filthy aisle, trashed stalls and a broken soul.

Thats not all though. After crying into my rags, broom and fork every morning or night (sometimes both because chickens apparently spend their life pooping) I notice that my boys have stopped cleaning up their hay. And drinking water during the day.


Upon closer inspection I notice it is because the FUCKING DINOSAURS shit in the buckets and on the hay ALL DAY LONG.


Not only do they ruin everything indoors, they are also ruining things outdoors.

Namely, the fencing.

I think I've fixed, replaced, nailed, and fiddle with the fencing at least once a day to keep it up and running. The girls sit on it, fly onto it, rip it up with their talons and ultimately just fuck shit up beyond belief. So if they break it after I've looked at it for the day, and one of my horses realize its not working, they lean into it and break other stuff and ITS JUST A RAGING MESS.

So ruined belongings. Filthy aisles. Trashed stalls. Ruined haystacks. Constantly broken electric fencing. Spent money. Excessive flies. Broken soul. And now horses that won't eat hay or drink water all day. Thats healthy.

I have only solved one of those issues by putting hay in bags up off the ground.

My mom suggested fencing in all openings around the stalls with chicken wire, not thinking that horses kind of have to come in and out of the barn somehow. The white devils also can climb and would be able to get in the rafters and continue to spread doom throughout the barn.

I think what really broke me was their non concern for my feelings. As I clean, they haunt me and continue to fuck shit up RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. They poop on recently cleaned things. Jump in the wheelbarrow and fling poop and hay out back onto the aisle. Stare at me with creeper eyes. Scratch scratch stare fling fling CAW CAW FLING poop coo coo STARE

I am at my limit.

They need to go.


  1. Our barn owner also has more than a dozen free range chickens. I read your post and I was all like AMEN SISTER because I deal with the same shit every day and I HATE the chickens! Sometimes I got eat chicken wings for lunch just to spite them!

  2. I didn't like chicken before this; I think one chased me when I was young. This only solidifies my feelings of dislike and disgust.

  3. I just giggled myself to death, but only because I know exactly how you feel.

  4. Not knowing exactly how things are setup ... horses / vs / chickens ... it may be time to limit their 'free range'.
    1) clipping flight feathers
    2) chicken tractor or partial confinement to limited ranging.

    If these are meat birds, they definitely need to focus on gaining weight and not fowling the barn and your tack! Yuck!

    If they are layers ... then it's time they started training. They eat and cultivate ground as the Flock Boss directs ..along with learning about their egg production duties, where to lay and when.

    This is my first time commenting ..I'm one of those readers who have to get their horse-fix through those lucky enough to have the skills and the resources. Good luck and let us know how you progress.
    M in NC

  5. Yikes!! How many chickens do they have??? And why are they not being put up at night? Our chickens are trained to go into their coop at night so they don't get eaten by the wildlife. I don't have a barn or stalls though and my tack room is fully enclosed so they don't cause me the same problems they are with you. If they think the horse barn is their barn you're going to have a hell of a time training them otherwise... do they have their own chicken coop?? It sounds like they need to be locked up in the coop for a few weeks so they know which barn is theirs and then get put up every night. They shouldn't be roosting in the horse barn. :( What kind of chickens are they? If they are game chickens then I'd be sneaking out in the middle of the night, plucking their feathers and leaving them in a pile and then carrying them off somewhere so your parents think something ate them LOL!! Game chickens are impossible!! I actually like chickens because they eat ticks and they spread out the piles of manure in the pasture so the sun kills the worms and flies. If I were picking up all of the poop then it would suck definitely, but I don't have time to do that on five acres so the chickens actually help me out hehe. Good luck!!

  6. Makes me more thankful every day that my hens live in a movable chicken tractor, completely enclosed 8x8 space that we move once a week to a new patch of grass for them. Your experiences sound horrible, good luck!

  7. Wait, are they supposed to go up at night? Maybe they could stay out...

  8. this is reminding me of my pig drama at the moment...not a fan of farm animals at all right now! Get yourself a fox...!

  9. You poor thing! (Funniest read evah, though!)

  10. I feel sorry for you BUT I LITERALLY CANNOT STOP LAUGHING.

  11. Woven electric fencing--poultry height is five feet. Clip their wings. Set up the fence and you've got a fairly predator safe perimeter that the feathered monsters won't cross. Unless of course, you have something like Spitzhaubens that enjoy fluttering about like pooping helicopters.

  12. You could also cheapo your way out of woven electric fence by doing a hot line on top of their current enclosure and another a few inches above ground height.

    Perversely glad that my pet chicken passed away last year around this time....although she was a serious cannibal and preferred chicken nuggets or any other type of meat to actual chicken food. Buying a Superchicken was kind of mandatory after that, just so I could snicker over the name (lol).

    Try the electric fence before you despair too much more. You're too resourceful to stay stuck for long!

  13. ;)) I had to laugh at this! A few years ago I worked at a place where the owner was very fond of some exotic chicken breed. They would roam free around the fields and the cock would attack you (not just chase, properly go for you) if he decided you are too close to his ladies. His proprietary needs were so high that we all had to plan our route to the stables (which led through one of "his" fields) very carefully and be armed with whatever we could think of in case of his attack. It was an incredible pain to deal with and I am not keen on chickens around the stables ever since ;)

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