Monday, February 11, 2013

Winter Blah Blahs

This might be a little more than lackluster due my ridiculous fatigue and forgetfullness. I'm also craving chocolate and its making it hard concentrate. Even the word concentrate looks like chocolate.

This weekend I attended the joyous festivities that is the nations 2nd largest Mardi Gras celebration, only to New Orleans. It was interesting. I actually stayed sober since the rest of my group was a little less than conscious of where they were and I felt obligated to be the responsible one. Gosh, it is such a drag being the adult at a party. I did get to wear some bitchin pants though. Goodwill has some legit options.

The boy and me. I'm standing on my tip toes, ha.

At least the weekend was a slight pick-me-up from the desolate and depressing mood I've been in lately around the barn. All I do is work work work pick poop work fill water work sleep (barely) work cash checks work work work and I'm never any richer. I have no savings and there is absolutely no way I can show Yankee the way I want to. He has all the skills and more but there is nothing I can do about it and I feel like the last 7 years has just been a futile & delirious effort, thinking we could ever get to starred levels without having mommy and daddy pay for every little thing.

All I need is a real job to secure my finances, but there are none to be found. Looks like the college degree was a waste of time too.

I haven't ridden since last Thursday,  but that ride was productive at least-we jumped a little bit and he was a beast. I jacked it up to 3'6-3'9 and he took it like a pro, per usual.

But lately I'm having a more than difficult time getting motivated to do any riding, especially with the jacked up weather fluctuations. Not sure if its the winter blues, or what but I keep making excuses not to ride. I spend most of my time daydreaming about all the shows I COULD go to this season and making up workout plans, exercises for Yanks, etc., but then I realize it will probably never happen for me & Yankee ever again. I just don't have the money.  We probably will never get to Prelim, or even 2*. I bought him to be my 4* horse and its probably the most depressing thing in the world to think that he will never get there with me.

I don't know if its because his legs have started to swell after every workout and while in a stall, how grumpy he is getting or whatever, but I have this insane feeling that one day he will just come up lame and never be sound again. To me, 10 is ANCIENT for an OTTB and I can't handle it.

I can never get out of this mindset for more than a few weeks, no matter if we have a few good rides or not. The effort is futile.

I get especially irritated with those who take all they have for granted. I'm never jealous, I just wish some people knew how freaking awesome they had it, instead of complaining about everything under the sun. What I would give to show my horse again.

Lord, what a ridiculous statement THAT is too! First world problems to the max. I realize I am lucky to have what I have and I do feel slightly accomplished at what I've achieved in the past. But my ENTIRE life I've spent devoting to eventing, hoping I could make it big; working off lessons, shows, bills. Always working. I never really had a backup plan and now that I've failed, I'm flailing and panicking.

That was a lot more depressing than I wanted it to be. I just wonder if I'm the only one here, grasping at strings, hoping that maybe just *one* day all my work will pay off. It sucks to think it was all for nothing.

Now that I've got that out of my system I should be good for a few more weeks. har har.


  1. Believe me, we've all been there. It sucks, I'm not gonna lie. My first "real" job after getting my Bachelors in Biology was working at a day care center. But eventually the stars align and life leads you in ways you can never plan. I'm not a competition person so I can't really comment on that but I know it's a tough road.

    I'm also there with the winter blues. So ready for spring. Just know that you aren't alone and try to be positive even though at times it can be the last thing you are capable of. Hang in there!

  2. Things will get better. I took 17 years off horses between high school graduation and now half way through my 30s. I still struggle to balance things and I am really stretching things to show this summer while I see people at my barn go 2 states away to thermal for 2 weeks. Guess it is all about perspective, but it is hard to remember that.

  3. Why dont you find a working student program? Many around me give you part time off to work at a local resturant or something for extra pocket money and this will enable you to do horses full time, free lessons and training and ,any WS turn into paid positions.

  4. 1) I hear you. I didn't ride for three weeks this winter because it was cold and horrible. Now I'm on again/off again due to weather and me being worried about Cuna's poor feet. :-/

    2) 10 is not old, you silly thing. Mr Matata is a ripe 18 and we're aiming for the .95 meter jumpers, so 3'1". And he can totally do it. I'm the holdup. ;)

    3) The money thing is ridiculous. I work a good chunk at the barn, but it doesn't really pay enough to show. If I had a real job, I wouldn't have enough time/energy to ride the way I'd like. I don't know what is better. Let me know if you find out.

  5. Double vote for the working student thing. Potentially free board, lessons and experience and maybe even an "in" to the upper levels. You're so young still and many of us in the older crowd (mid-thirties) would give and arm and a leg to be your age! I know it's tough to stay positive, but the hard work will pay off! You're stuck in a rut, maybe a big change is exactly what you need.

  6. I think the WS thing is hit or miss. I've had friends who have done really well by it and it's given them the opportunity to ride/campaign how they want. I've also had friends who basically ended up as indentured servants who could never afford to leave but weren't getting anywhere..

    I'm talking totally out of my ass here but I feel like Eventing is one of the disciplines where you go from top of the pyramid to sitting out two seasons in the blink of an eye. Keeping horses (and riders) sound, happy and moving forward is hard when it involves three crazy phases. Don't beat yourself up. I know plenty of bad ass riders with their bad ass horses who have had to watch seasons click by.. but they always get there in the end.

    Also, I'm with SB on age. I know we don't get any "promised" time with the beasts but there's a boss OTTB at my place who's just moving up to Prelim for the first time at 18.

    I am also painfully aware that meeting my competition goals is much, much easier when I'm looking at "c" rated options and schooling shows. also cheaper. thank god. That's my silver lining for not oozing talent ;)

  7. My daughter has been a WS for 16 months and loves it...but she could not do it without mom and dad footing bills. I know every opportunity is different, and she has made some great upper level connections - her ultimate goal is to be a dressage trainer.

    I don't know if this is something you are even thinking about, but saw a few other commenters mention it and just putting my 2 cents in!

  8. I have theses same problems, school, work, sleep, repeat, only getting to ride three times or less times a week ):
    And now that it is spring almost its time for shots,and other expensive things... IT NEVER STOPS, i wish you could give sparkles as money or something

  9. Tooie is turning 13 this year and I'm having the same problems. We havent accomplished anything and with school and work i only get to see him when I go pay board (how sad is that? :P). But he is at a really good barn and is very well taken care of. Even though we havent been able to accomplish all the things i had planned when i bought him at least i know that he will be there once i get my life together, even if its just to go on a hack.

  10. Just reading your grumps give me the grumps. I get really grumpy when people who have healthy sound horses and could be riding "just don't feel like it." Really grumpy.

    Actually I've just given in to being grumpy all week. Thursday marks six months since I had to put Don down. At least when you've already lived through the worst day of your life, there's nowhere to go but up, right?

    Just ride because you love to ride and don't worry about competing. You'll get your chance someday.

    Or so I used to tell myself.

  11. I get you, I totally do. It's hard but you just gotta keep at it.

  12. This is exactly why I have no desire whatsoever to compete!! It's just not worth it to me. I ride because I love horses and I love to ride. If all I ever did was go on trail rides I would be happy. :D I hope that doesn't come across as though I'm bashing you or anything because I'm not.... guess I'm just feeling grateful for my lower aspirations. I wish there was a solution for your lack of money problems.... have you considered riding a horse for someone?? That way they get their horse exercised, trained and shown and you get paid to compete? I know it's not the same as showing Yankee, but it might be a good compromise. Hang in there! It will get better! Oh and take some vitamin D supplements. They are cheap and will help with your winter blahs I promise. Almost everyone is vitamin D deficient especially in the winter. I hope you feel better soon and I really hope the weather improves soon because it has me feeling blah too.