Thursday, May 9, 2013

Easier Muttered Than Completed


 I might be 10% over my meltdown last week. I almost am over losing my entry fee for Mill Creek. I'm 100% over wanting to quit riding.  More or less in part to ALL of my horse peeps. Which includes the virtually connected ones. I appreciate the kind and encouraging words. I know its difficult to tolerate whiny tantrums, but I was being almost 47% serious about quitting all together. I didn't ride for almost 2 weeks. Jackie jumped him once and I lunged but mostly I just laid around when I wasnt working.

 I had to think REALLY hard for about a week if this is really what I wanted to do. I barely slept most of that time, but in the end, I just cant throw away my whole life. I've been riding most of it and I consider it the most important part of my life. So what would I do if I quit? Most likely go out to bars more. And then I'd most likely become an alcoholic. And that wouldn't be good. SO there's that revelation. And what would I do with all my tack? I thought about the LITERAL thousands of dollas I've spent on it and I just could not force myself to put it up for sale. I just couldnt. I'm a tack whore and I actually have fond feelings for my gear. They're like...weird pets. Pets? Either way, I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I started thinkign baotu all the horses who've worn my saddles, and all the fantastic times I've had in them. All the blue ribbons won, all the river swims, all the field gallops, all the courses jumped, all the falls fallen, all the transitions taken, all the trail rides...and I just couldn't get ride of it all.

What really hit me the hardest were jackies words-
"You need to suck it up. You're being a baby. You KNOW you couldn't not jump a jump again. You just need to remember what it feels like to have fun, why you love riding. You need to go gallop your horse and let the wind whip in your hair and the tears streak your face from how fast you're flying. Then you'll remember"

She knows me best.

I also spent several evenings just staring at my horse. In the pasture. In his stall. Watching his cute little face. His tail flip off flies. His eager looks when I bring grain or put him out on grass. There's NO WAY I could get rid of that. I listed him for lease for all of 45 minutes before I canceled the ad. I just couldn't. I was being stupid.

So I reevaluted. I can't show this year. OK. Get over it. I can do MAYBE a few local shows if I can get rides, sicne theyre cheaper, but no eventing. So that blows. But. I still have a sound, perfect, beautiful horse to enjoy. And lots of trails. And jumps to jump.

So I need something. I'v enever been good at setting goals without shows, since winning is everything to me. I can't explain it to you guys, but I'm HELLAS competitive and I just want to win. Second just isn't good enough. I was pissed at my first dressage show because I got a 68% and that put me in second. Most people would kill for that. I was not happy. Not happy at all. I have to change. I have to find why riding is fun, even without shows. Lots of people do it.

So I'm going to try to set  mini goals. Nail those transitions. School those leg yeilds. Finally teach Yanks flying changes. tackle the problematic vertical fences. Mini goals.

A lot easier said than done though. I lose motivation to ride wihtout shows. I rode twice in the past two weeks. It will be even harder in the summer when its a thousand degrees outside. But its ok. I still get to pet my horse and watch his funny faces. And I love that.