What Do Wednesday: FEAR

I have been trying to write a recap post for days now, but my video editor froze on me and I gave up, so this is not only a video-less post, but also a recap and what-do all wrapped into one!

For the first time together, and his second time ever, we hauled out to the park for some XC schooling this past weekend. It was a blast and I have so many things to discuss I don't even know where to begin.

For one, it made me realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful group of riding friends, and Supertrainer to lead us in our eventing journey.

Horse friendz, I needz dem

For two, I realized I am in worse shape than I thought, and breeches are flattering on no one. Additionally my position has gone to crap and I really need to hike a hole or two up and work on releasing again. Jesus.

like, what is this. GM would scoff

Third, I am absolutely, 100% scared shitless of cross country.

One hundred percent certifiably terrified.

I didn't really realize it until we had finished our canter sets to warm up and we all began on a very simple log exercise to warm-up over fences. The third fence was a roll back turn to the tiniest triple bar on earth and my heart absolutely dropped when Supertrainer was explaining the exercise. You want me to to jump WHAT? Are you fucking insane, I'll die!

You'll notice he's mostly naked now

So I sat there watching everyone else do the warm-up, literally shaking in my boots, dreading my turn. When it came, we cantered over the baby logs, turned for the triple bar and promptly came to an easy halt before the fence.

I about burst into tears. ALL of my insecurities, worries, doubts, fears bubbled to the surface with this one refusal and I cried/yelled "HE JUST DOESNT DO.... THIS... I CANT DO THIS" and Supertrainer calmly asked me to come at it again and my barn mates cheered me on and he sailed over it, rather awkwardly because I can't ride for shit apparently, but no questions asked, went right over like okay mom

sheer terror. I mean seriously look how massive that fence is

OH OKAY so when riders actually ride, horses actually jump. Noted.

Thats the hard part though.

So then we added in trickier things, like a log pile on a bank/hill and even bigger logs after that.

Barn mate jumping the even bigger logs

I instantly was like UH shit no, I am NOT jumping that, I will die. And Supertrainer sternly said, "Monica, Bacardi can do this, easily, you're going to do this" And I was like nope, not gonna. So she gave up, like a good trainer should because I was obviously terrified.

Then one of the girls spoke up and asked me why I was afraid and what happened to make me so afraid. And I sat there like...uhhhhh, I really don't know. I really don't know.

We moved on to other fences, and he refused a few at first. But it got easier, and I was realizing it was mostly my riding affecting my horse. He was having an absolute BLAST and once I got my shit together and realized the baby fences weren't my impending doom and my horse could literally jump over any of them from a standstill (which he did at each stop), I started RIDING.

The exuberance

In-between fences I kept thinking to myself, WHAT am I so afraid of and WHY? Death? I used to jump four feet with no question, no doubts and no fears. I have done this a million times, over much bigger things. I loved it and it was fun. Bacardi jumped without question when I actually rode well, so why was I like this?

more baby log piles

super unimpressive log

I think the root of my fear is failure. So many people have had doubts about this horse, myself included, and I can't stand the thought of proving them right. I have risked a lot with this horse, and I just want to succeed with him. Its a natural human thought process; we don't want to fail. But if I think about it, I have already come so far with him, I feel as if I have a already won.

Then there's the nagging self doubt. Oh that self doubt, you won't leave me. Typical female self doubt that just exists to torment me. "Oh you're too fat for those breeches. Ohmygod you're position is terrible I bet everyone is thinking about how terrible your position is and laughing to  themselves. Oh wow your horse will never amount to nothing and you were stupid to buy him. You'll never be successful, so  you might as well quit now"

Like a crazy person.

Then theres the immense pressure to compete and prove that worth, and having tons of successful friends who show doesn't help. I used to love showing, but right now, I can't really decide if thats my end all be all with riding. Like what is the actual point? To win a $2 ribbon and be $800 poorer? Okay....

Then I think about actually competing though, and my heart actually starts to race, not in a good way. I watched a friend post a video of  her start box departure on Facebook and I felt my heart contract with fear. Hearing that countdown, I was terrified and had flashbacks from my XC days with Yankee. Which were never bad, to be honest, so I have zero clue about what is happening in my brain.

When I see people posting pics of them from shows over Novice fences I am like holy mutherfucking shit no way that is Novice. I literally never want to jump that, ever. What really freaks me out is Training level, like WHEN did those fences get so massive? I did training for 5 years and not once did I think "oh I might die today on XC". But now, beginner novice fences have me like, NOPE.

So what is wrong with me? Did I grow up and realize life is fleeting and riding is terribly dangerous? Am I scared of failure? Do I just not like riding anymore?

So after all that thinking and pondering while riding, we came up to this incredibly simple log (whoa a log again, its getting wild) in which Bacardi over jumped by a mile and then blasted off on landing. He was so totally and 100% overjoyed that he let out some squeals and some hops and was so proud of himself I couldn't help but smile!

SASS

such majesty

such impulsion

many leaps

It was then I realized that my horse was not afraid at all, in fact he loved it. After that, I relaxed a little and found that I took was having fun again. Then, he surprised me with no reaction to the ditch at all. None. He just glided over it like he had been doing it forever. That was cool. I can dig it.

Slowly.

I still have a lot to work on, and being more positive with my inner self, pushing away the "demons", but I think I might be getting there again. I don't know how I feel about competing anytime in the near future, but I will admit the XC was pretty fun. I am sure some of you know how damned hard it can be to believe in yourself and that you're not a totally horrendous rider, but thats how I am trying to conquer this fear of XC head on.

So dear readers, what do you do with your fears? Do you face them head on? Do you shrink away from them? Do you find something else that works? Tell me, what do??

That all being said, we are going to KY this weekend to have Supertrainer ride this time (Event only 3 weeks away!!) and get some water schooling under his belt. I can't wait to see her ride him over fences!

And Just Like That, It Was Gone

OK. I am going to pee my breeches if I don't let the cat out of the bag.

Its really not that exciting to you normal show people, but...*drumroll* I entered Bacardi in his FIRST USEA event ever. EVER.

WOW that only took two years!

The funniest thing about his debut is that I'm not even riding. My trainer is riding him.

Like some insane fitness freak I signed up for a Tough Mudder and it just so happens to be on the same weekend as the cheapest show of the year...and by the time I figured that out, sucked it up and entered B I had paid for the Mudder months before already. If you've never done a Mudder its essentially paying $180 to run 10 miles though mud and cause yourself horrible pain.

I'm insane.

But we knew that.

So anyways, its settled. Hopefully official, but I had issues with Xentry and assigning my trainer as the rider so I had to send it snail mail 4 days before close. *fingers crossed* ((I am actually happy that someone who does this as like, their job, will make his debut with him. A confident, unattached pilot I hope will make his first experience positive, and thats all I want.))

This brings me to my next point.

We recently got our yearly bonuses...

At first I was like...

...and despite the FIVE hundred dollars in taxes, I still had a large chunk to disperse among things. Most went to medical bills, but the rest has disappeared already. Like literally in 6 days.

Culprit: horses.

Damn them!

Grumpy pony

Yankee currently is eating dollar bills so theres that, but Bacardi also recently had what was supposed to just be a health certificate appointment end up being much more than that.

...and then I was like

EME had the vet come out and do all the spring things horses get. Luckily B had his shots last month and his Coggins drawn earlier so I just needed a health cert for the show.

Just a a quick exam and out.

So as my darling vet is taking his temp and listening to his heart, he looks up and goes, "he has left ventricle sideways heart anatomy arrhythmia asthma" and I was like "what the fuck did you just say?"

Ok so he didn't say that, but thats what I heard and my heart dropped and I was like, no, do not say these words to me, I cannot deal with this shit right now. what does this mean. What is happening. Why are all my horses broken

So I calmly say "um, wut"

He then goes, "OH I'M SORRY ( I had just filled him in on Yankee), I didn't mean to scare you. Just means his heartbeat is a little fast and irregular. Happens with racehorses a lot, fit horses, athletes, does he ever tire out?"

And I was like, "no"

So then he explained things and I heard words and barely recovered from that.

After that heart attack, the exam continued and he found some sharp edges on B's teeth and said "Well, we could do it now or wait"

And aside from giggling like a ten year old boy, I said "please tell me what to do, I literally cannot make decisions right now because you've scarred me and its not like I'm not used to throwing money at my horses, so what do I do please"

"I advise we do his teeth now before it becomes a problem"

So we floated the teeths.

And then somehow  while B was drugged and getting floated, we got on the topic of microchips and I was like, "oh yeah I wanted to do that for B since I have one for Yankee, and I know they're not necessary but like, peace of mind. Next time you come out can you remember to bring one? You know, like among the million things vets remember on a daily basis."

And just like that, he pulls out the biggest needle I've ever laid eyes on, like he was ready or some shit, and gave me the questioning look and I was like "why not".

So now B has a chip.

And then he was like, "while he's out want me to clean his sheath?"

I paused, thinking about how much vets might charge for sheath cleaning, but then realized he never lets me do it outside sedatives so I was like "why not".

And thats the tale of how I spent $400 on a $45 health certificate.

Its ok though, I feel better and Bacardi is all spiffy and shiny and ready for his FIRST show.

MAY 7th everyone!

Brick by Brick, My Citizens

I can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted last, whoops. 

Per usual, a shitload has gone down in the last week, and until it's super official, mums the word. But it's exciting and positive. That left little time for blogging though. 

Never fear, I did actually ride a little.  Twice in fact. And squeezed in quick groundwork sessions on the lunge with B. 

He had approximately 2 unplanned weeks off due to my personal life, sleep schedule and a missing RF shoe, but if anything it did him good. He bounced back beautifully and is calmer than ever. I am so proud of my red horse!

Not my red beast, but a cute pic of Levi being confused over the freak snow in April

Sidenote, I wrote up a super long, depressing post about unfinished goals and failures and bullshit, but it accidentally got deleted and I think it was for the best. Super flashback to my darker college years, and it was a minor lapse in mental judgement due to severe lack of sleep.

Moving on. 

Yankee is doing wonderfully. I am slightly dying, freaking out about him and micromanaging his every move, but he's doing well. Better than I expected for a horse recovering from major major surgery. 

Normally, the incision from colic surgery is like a foot long? I think. Well, his was massive. Like incredibly large. And it took ages to heal. He still has a few spots where it's draining, therefore I have heart palpitations when he plays around like a goon every AM when I let him out...

Yankee WYD

But he's healing quickly. Mostly he's a grumpy asshole. I would be too if I was excluded from all the fun and kept to a small paddock with only dumb hay to keep me occupied.

He's taken to staring longingly at the pasture and ignoring his hay, so Bragg ends up eating it all everyday. Not only is this making me incredibly anxious, but Bragg is now the size of a blimp. If I turn him out in the pasture without Yankee, it's like their lives are over, so I keep them together for now so healing horse doesn't hurt himself.

When I have time, I graze Yankee as such with Bragg loose, but most times I toss Yankee out in my redneck pen while I do chores or hang out at home. 

Don't judge me and my redneck ways

Another thing Yankee is not doing well is eating fast. Its seriously killing my vibe. I have to wait around ages to turn him out so Bragg won't steal his food and I'm like c'mon man. You never realize how much you appreciate horses that clean up quick until you have one that doesn't. He used to, so of course, this causes me to panic almost daily, but he eventually licks his pan clean. I don't blame him, he's eating the equivalent of a giant human salad and I know I can't stand healthy food & it sucks. Its like me being forced to eat tofu to gain weight, um NO THANK YOU.. He is getting a fuckload of it too; low starch, high protein grains with empower boost for the fats. Plus his MSM and probiotics. Poor dude spends half his life eating now. Additionally, he has about half a bale of hay a night in his stall, which he never finishes, but he's gaining weight like a champ. 

Top photo is 2 weeks post-op, right off the trailer at the recovery farm. Bottom photo was his past weekend, about 6 weeks difference. His topline is still dismal, but his ribs, shoulder & neck look better, stomach is filling out and the swelling has gone down. Also his coat looks so. much. better. 

want the grass, give me grass

I can't wait until his coat is completely shed out! He gets to go out on pasture April 20th & May 20th he's allowed to be ridden again, slow build to jumping 30 days after. CANT WAIT.

Although he be but little, he is fierce!

What Do Wednesday: Planning

WHEW.

I have reset my human button and feel recovered. I had such plans to work out and ride yesterday AM after not doing either for almost a week, but woke up and saw the temp was 25* and said HELL NO and went back to sleep.

Wise decision.

With that information, I know you all are highly intrigued for whats next, considering its Wednesday and you know what that means...

So after feeling incredibly guilty for not even touching my other horse for a week (yeah, I never even made it to the barn once just to stuff his face with food), I started planning out what this week would look like with school, gym, OT and now, stall cleaning.

Kill me.

I love Yankee and missed his sweet face, but god bless it I did not miss barn chores and keep forgetting they are here sometimes.

Anyways. Bacardi. Other horse I own. Neglected. Suffering.

"Feed me cookies I'm dying"

I am sure he enjoyed his time off, and hopefully its helped him stay sound. He pulled a shoe last week while riding, which is still a mystery how and when, but he did. Jerk.

BUT, show season is upon us and I will go broke trying to show this lil bitch. Hashtag life goals amirite?

This week I have planned to ride 3 times and lunge once (tomorrow). That sufficient right? But then again Ohio is fucking insane and decides its going to be colder than a witches tit after a week of gorgeous, sunny, 70* days...and snow 3/7 days in the week and then thunderstorm randomly and then get cold as balls again.

So who knows if that is actually how many times I will work le red horse.

Anyways, what I realized while carefully planning out my week to the minute, per usual, is that I never actually plan on WHAT I will be doing in my rides.

Like ever.

Maybe Sundays, where I usually jump since no one is ever there and I can jump in peace (read: everyone doesn't have to deal with my spaz pony) and quiet and force my slave boyfriend to video.

Older adorable pic as a text break

Other than that, I don't plan. At all. Never. This practice actually has stemmed from my insane overplanning I used to do in college, and my best laid plans always went to shit because horses. Seriously when do horses ever cooperate? Why don't they just know our plans and stick to them?

I had special calendars all color coded and labeled with exact movements we would work on and what tack I planned to use etc. I am a crazy person.

Obviously

It always seemed that when I planned to flat and work on halting/transitions/whatever, horse would instead decide that galloping madly was a better way to spend our session. Or if I planned on jumping, someone wold have recently removed ALL the jumps and dragged arena, or horse would come up lame or missing a shoe.

So now, I just don't give a fuck.

Drinking, riding, & not giving a rats ass; the best way to do shows

I show up,  step one. Then I see what the lesson schedule is like, if there are jumps in the arena, how B is feeling (snazzy or less snazzy), if its cold, raining, sunny or how tired/sore I am. SO many factors.

Generally I do one hack, 2 flat and a jump sesh, but sometimes the ring is too full of jumps and I just jump every day that week because why not. Or I WANTED to hack, but its pouring. Or I wanted to flat, but there are too many horses in the ring/hes feeling too fresh and I just don't ride at all.

So, no plans.

Maybe this is why we have only done 2 schooling shows in our 2 year career together and I was stuck at training with Yankee for 5 years but whatever, details. Planning my rides don't work for me and only lead to disappointment.

One of our million rides at training level

So dear readers, what do? Do you meticulously plan your rides? Or do you wing it like I do? Feed me your secrets, I must know!

Home to Roost

Last Saturday Bangor and I went and picked up Bragg, who already has me wrapped around his little hooves....

Corgi Cop not mine

He was the chillest all week by himself, mostly begging for attention & loves and also getting noticed by all the neighbors (we haven't had horses here in a while). He is also quite a large animal (I think he may be bigger and taller than B, and B is almost 17.2hh). B#2 has been a joy and was SO excited to have The Yankee arrive.

This weekend was an exhausting whirlwind, almost quite literally. Bangor and I headed to MO on Friday at 6AM, arriving around 3PM and ate and visited my friends until we passed out at 3AM. Like, wut. Then we turned around and gathered Yankee and drove home in the INSANE winds on Saturday.

If anyone lives in any state  from MO to OH you know what winds I am talking about. Like 60 mph, whipping, relentless winds. I had people texting me all day asking if we were OK, wondering why we didn't just wait to come home Sunday.

Because reasons, people. I had them.

LET ME LOVE YOU

SQUISH

But seriously the drive home was harrowing and I was nervous to let Bangor take the wheel for more than a quick 70 mile drive/rest from driving for me. I drove the remaining 400 myself. I legit woke up Sunday with sore hands from how hard I was gripping the steering wheel trying to wrangle the rig around the highway for almost 11 hours.

ELEVEN.

We stopped often because I was SO nervous about how Yankee would travel. He was rather chill for most of the trip, ate hay like a champ but refused water every time I offered it.

We stopped about every 80 miles to check on him and for me to pee because I was chugging energy drinks like they were going out of style.

In between the energy drinks and getting out of the truck so often, I actually felt great physically on the drive despite my hands cramping up a bit. I have made the MO to OH drive about 30 times, 4 with horses now and it never feels good. All the body parts hurt. I don't know how people drive horses to FL...I would literally die of anxiety or a blood clot.

Half way home, we stopped at a truck stop to let him out to graze and stretch his legs. It also dropped about 30* so I blanketed him to be on the safe side. I cannot stress how much I was stressing about his health and how he was doing and if he was too hot or too cold or too hungry or too tired or too stressed...

not stressed in the slightest

It was HILARIOUS, all the truckers were dumbfounded watching me walking my horse around like a dog. We did several laps around the park area and he nommed on the grass a bit. He was quite embarrassed that his wraps, blanket and lead line were all DIFFERENT colors, but he survived and after 25 minutes reluctantly got back in the trailer when I loaded him up.

the non-matching HORROR

Hours later and much karaoke to myself because Bangor fell asleep we finally arrived. It was 1 AM when finally pulled in and Yankee let out an audible sigh of relief when he stepped off the trailer. Drank a few huge gulps of water, made out with Bragg and tucked in to his hay pile in his stall for the night. 

The next morning (Sunday) I fed early, and went back to bed to snuggle with the dog and Bangor because it was fucking freezing again. It was like 70 when we left, so I don't know what Ohio is doing, its drunk.

Around 10 I let Yankee and B#2 out of their stalls into the dry lot to meet and frolic and Yankee surprised me with some airs above the ground shenanigans. 

wheeee I'm a horse!

Kite horse

While amusing and impressive, I was like no; don't; stop it horse, thats not safe, you're supposed to be taking it easy!!

After 5 minutes though he got it all out and settled into scrounging about for grass, completely ignoring my hay piles. 

While cleaning stalls and tidying the barn I tossed my remaining hay cubes out into the paddock for the boys to hunt and they took to it for the rest of the afternoon.

Hay cube hunting

Yankee is sequestered to the paddock for another month with free choice hay and hand grazing time, but no pasture yet. Bragg is allowed to do whatever he wants, but I want to find a spot where Yankee won't be stressed if Bragg is on pasture. We have 3 pastures, so I am thinking B#2 can go in the middle right while Yankee stays in the top pasture paddock. That way B#2 can have grass and shelter and Yankee can still see him and not go cray.

What I find amusing is that they both crib. I have not one, but two cribbers, when most people won't even let one around...haha whatever, their loss! They are both darling creatures and the sweetest horses you will ever meet-not exaggerating!!

Just being adorable OTTBs

Yankee trying to make out and Bragg playing coy

Yankee is not as excitable as Bacardi, but Bragg and his weirdly calm self being around should help him stay calm and finish healing so he can get big and strong again. His coat needs some work, and he probably has another 150lbs to put on on top of the 100 he put on this month, but he seems happy to be home!

Enjoy this ADORABLE video of the dumb dumbs this AM!

I have to look at his schedule again, but I do believe we can ride at the walk in 4 weeks time!! Cannot wait!

Struggle Bus

As always I enjoyed reading your responses to my last post! I try to respond individually, but this week time got away from me. I’ll explain everything once its over, maybe, but its just life outside of horses.

· 

I rode exactly twice this week and both times were incredibly lackluster. He got a quick lunge one of those days inbetween too. Monday he was a giant brat, but it was weirdly freezing cold. Then it was warm. And then this weekend it was REALLY warm. So I don’t blame him, but he was still a touch difficult.

pic not from Monday

We flatted on Monday and the best way to describe it was distracted. He warmed up well on the lunge but I was absolutely exhausted from barn work that weekend and will honestly say I was riding like hell. He wasn’t zoomy or disobedient, just rather meh. As in, his nose would poke out during a transition, he needed a reminder to step under often and we couldn’t quite get that canter transition down smoothe. It was just blah. I will say he was incredibly calm, so I will take that over anything else. We can work out the kinks we had Monday, just disspointed in my riding mostly. I did get a compliment from one of the boarders who just got back from FL, stating he looks a lot better than he did when she left, so that was awesome to hear.

Then I sadly got overwhelmed with school (my last week in this class), work issues and getting ready for Bragg to come home. My sleep schedule has been thrown off completely with my shift change at work, and I will take sleep over gym or riding right now because I know how important it is for my overall health. So he got most of the week off, minus a quick lunge mid week.

Saturday was a gorgeous day, 68* and sunny and I wanted to jump since I had Bangor with me to video. He truly deserves all awards since we had spent the entire day getting Bragg, and then I drug him to the barn to video for me. A++++

Bacardi was feeling FRESH and I honestly had a hard time holding him back. He is a strong horse and despite how small he looks under me, he is massive. 17.2 hands of pure power and if he doesn’t want to whoa, he doesn’t. We spent a good 15 minutes in the god damn arena using pulley rein and learning that bolting indoors after fences was not cool.

He eventually got over that, thankfully, and jumped everything beautifully.

EME got a new XC fence and I decided to be brave and put it on the lowest setting and pop over it with B. I fully expected him to refuse the first time, but instead just got thrown out of the tack by an incredibly exuberant jump. I think he thought it might eat him because we jumped it 5 times and everytime he snapped all 4 legs up and jmped the moon, haha. It was adorable.

not sure about this....

....must not touch

 I really wanted to jack the jumps to 3’3 but I figured with limited riding that week, it was unfair to do so. He had a blast regardless and ate up the course we practiced. It was super tight but really fun to ride. A bit zooomy, but hes learning and I was more than pleased that he was so excited about jumping. Last September it was a battle to get him to jump and now he drags me around. I’ll take the latter.

ATTACK

Then we went out to the field to frolic. He was a biiiiiiit strong & sassy, and we had a few discussions on half halts and why trying to bolt is not acceptable. 

Sassy...

....less sassy

Still had fun though and he nailed his changes nicely and uneventfully. I've been working really hard on being through to the bridle and not just curling his neck and acting lackluster through his back and hind end. As a 7 year old, he's finally settled a bit and can actually do what I ask without a melt down. Its really lovely to ride, even when he wants to run because he tries so hard! I have also been working on the changes since he hs them installed. Its funny that my superstar eventer Yankee has some sort of brain block where he can't do them and then weirdo B has been doing them semi flawlessly since he was 4. 

He still does them incorrectly, front to back, but he does them, does them on command while flatting, automatically while jumping and they are chill. Which I love.

I have also been incredibly conscious of MY position and have been trying really hard to get used to this saddle. I feel like I swim in it, since I've ridden in a 16 for a decade, and sometimes my leg swings around and I jump ahead or get left behind. I also have a tendency to revert to le hunter crouch, as I call it and subsequently curl my wrists and look down. Old habits die hard man.

Body, what are this. LOOK UP. The struggle is so real. 

Also he pulled a shoe at some point in our ride so thats lovely and mysterious. 

Love this hind end action doh

We have big plans for him coming up, but I’m keeping those under wraps until its finalized. MWUAH HAHA

Upcoming in the next month we have Yankee coming home (THIS week), races at Keeneland and then Rolex! Woo! Also, stayed tuned for the 600^th post giveaway (coming up soon!)

My good boy