Procrastination Level EXPERT

I typed about 5 different sentences before I decided that nothing could lead into this post. Considering that I wrote half an entry 4 days ago highlighting last week and never posted it, I just gave up.

I am doing an excellent job of not doing all the things I need to do. Avoidance is my specialty and I tend to be a productive procrastinator. I usually clean things. Or organize. Or read. Or research. or workout. Basically do everything but that one thing I need to do.

This week, its a lot of things. But not as many things as last week.

Last week was rough for me. I decided to go strict paleo 2 weeks ago since my parents do it-which means no dairy. Just fruits, plants, animals and nuts (not even ALL nuts or plants or fruits or animals). Its really confusing and difficult and my body hated it. I got to the point where I couldn't even put food in my body without throwing up. So strict paleo, not for me. 3/4 normal paleo is what I will stick with considering it doesn't make me violently ill and is still relatively healthy.

I am also having surgery (unrelated to my leg) this week and scheduling that/dealing with idiot receptionists has been a total ass pain. Seriously WHY.

In addition, I had a mind numbing class to attend for my new real person job and it really cramped my style. I also spent about 20 hours outside that class studying for the exam I have in 2 days to get my insurance license. Let me tell you. medicare is a BITCH. How do you work 8-5 and STILL have time to workout and ride AND sleep. The fuckery is unreal! (Speaking of, I have really done a great job NOT studying today....)

The chickens have re-deemed themselves. Almost. They started laying this week and I get about 5 eggs a day from them. In typical bird hate fashion though they refuse to use their coop, so its and easter egg hunt EVERYDAY and sometimes I even find them in the horse stalls. How fun!

My horses also seem to know when my bank account is reaching crucially low levels of funds. Think almost $0.

Oh yes that would be 2 pulled front shoes/destroyed feet in the same week and a thrashed hind leg injury.

Did I mention last week B came in with a slash across his face, nearly sending me into cardiac arrest,  and Yankee had JUST got one of those shoes re-shod last monday because he threw it 2 weeks ago?? Because of the damage done by literally ripping nails out of a hoof wall, its damn near impossible to re show now without that ass pain expense of fancy pants shoes and adhesive.

He hasn't thrown a shoe in what seems like years, so I'm beginning it think its my farrier. So if anyone has any farrier recommendations in the dayton area....

BUT besides all that the boys have been brilliant.

Took them on a trail ride last week and B really surprised me with his non baffled-ness when encountering big bad tings like trucks, and mud and river crossings! He actually LOVED the water, just like Yankee.

ADORABLE

Been doing a TON of hacking, lunging and flatwork since I know I shouldn't be doing much else. It is REALLY hard though. I haven't jumped Yankee since forever. Almost 10 weeks I think. DEAR GOD.

I need it.

How The Chickens Are Ruining My Life

 Do you ever have problems that are quite possibly unsolveable without drastic actions such as murder?

Tasty, tasty murder.

My dads chickens are ruining my life.

They are causing me great pain and frustration and I literally want to kill them, not just figuratively.

For the past two weeks since the ladies have discovered they have legs and can leave the coop, they have set out to destroy my life. I am sure of it.

I don't even particularly care for chickens, but put up with them because I have to. They are nasty, evil and conniving little fucks.  I prefer ducks because they are adorable and make cute sounds and eat bugs.

Each and every morning  I walk to the barn and am greeted by tiny dinosaurs cooing at me like I am their favorite human on earth and and always am like

And then I walk into the barn and see what theyve been up to all night and instantly become enraged with fury that can only be compared to stubbing your big toe on the same corner of your coffee table every single morning and in turn spilling your coffee all over you and ruining your shirt, and the floor and the couch and now your toe is bleeding and you want to kick something but can't because your foot is quite possibly going to fall off and the anger bubbles up and you want to explode.

So I'm standing in the absolute destruciton that is my usually immaculate old barn and the fucking chickens just staring at me like

and I'm like

and can't stop looking around my barn in horror like

 There is shit everywhere, always, not matter how often I hatefully scrape it off. Like, seriously everywhere. On every surface of everything. the floor. My tack. My hay. My feed bins. Every fucking door, ledge, railing, fan, and rafter. Talk about hella flies.

You would think that would be the worst part, but no. Its not.

These bitches can't just be satisfied with destroying my aisle and belongings. These are different kinds of poultry beasts. The most kind of evil. They sit around waiting for one of my other shit machines to void and then swoop down on that steamy pile like it chocolate cake.

I've witnessed this horror. They first start flinging the poop with their feet. FLINGING. It goes everywhere. First off, EW. Second, WHY. Why would they ignore the very expensive, specially formulated chicken scratch that I give them everyday and go after the leftover, partially digested oats in horse poop?

TO HURT MY SOUL THATS WHY.

This action makes it the most frustrating to clean stalls. Not only do the chickens tear each poop pile up into soggy shreds, but then the boys with their big ass feet grind in into the sawdust and makes it virtually impossible to pick up. Nothing works.

So I have resorted to stripping the stalls everyday. EVERY. DAMN. DAY. Because there is no line between clean and dirty. Which in turn leads to and extreme usage of sawdust.. It is all one big soggy shitpile mess and its all the chickens faults.

So, now I have a filthy aisle, trashed stalls and a broken soul.

Thats not all though. After crying into my rags, broom and fork every morning or night (sometimes both because chickens apparently spend their life pooping) I notice that my boys have stopped cleaning up their hay. And drinking water during the day.

COOL.

Upon closer inspection I notice it is because the FUCKING DINOSAURS shit in the buckets and on the hay ALL DAY LONG.

BUT WAIT THERES MORE.

Not only do they ruin everything indoors, they are also ruining things outdoors.

Namely, the fencing.

I think I've fixed, replaced, nailed, and fiddle with the fencing at least once a day to keep it up and running. The girls sit on it, fly onto it, rip it up with their talons and ultimately just fuck shit up beyond belief. So if they break it after I've looked at it for the day, and one of my horses realize its not working, they lean into it and break other stuff and ITS JUST A RAGING MESS.

So ruined belongings. Filthy aisles. Trashed stalls. Ruined haystacks. Constantly broken electric fencing. Spent money. Excessive flies. Broken soul. And now horses that won't eat hay or drink water all day. Thats healthy.

I have only solved one of those issues by putting hay in bags up off the ground.

My mom suggested fencing in all openings around the stalls with chicken wire, not thinking that horses kind of have to come in and out of the barn somehow. The white devils also can climb and would be able to get in the rafters and continue to spread doom throughout the barn.

I think what really broke me was their non concern for my feelings. As I clean, they haunt me and continue to fuck shit up RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. They poop on recently cleaned things. Jump in the wheelbarrow and fling poop and hay out back onto the aisle. Stare at me with creeper eyes. Scratch scratch stare fling fling CAW CAW FLING poop coo coo STARE

I am at my limit.

They need to go.

CANT STOP WONT STOP

I rode a little harder than I should have yesterday.

I opened a can of worms that I can't control. Cant stop wont stop. YOU CANT KEEP A GIRL FROM HER HORSES OKAY SORRY NOT SORRY DOCTOR.

Luckily. I don't feel any worse for the wear. Minus being a little sore in the buttcheeks and core. Who knew taking 3 weeks off would make you sore in places you didn't even know existed -_-

Now just for those with your judgey pants on, I HAVE been riding bareback or with long stirrups so as to not jack my leg up and stretch the damaged muscle more....and haven't "jumped" anything. Minus ditches. They don't count. hehe.

I've mostly been putzing around on Lilly bareback because she is so smoothe, and lunging/hacking B & Yankee.

 CAN WE PLEASE take a minnut to appreciate my baby. I don't know how I got so lucky. Five year old OTTB and he so uphill and light already, even without a rider. Love horse.

I DID discover something wicked cool though the other day while cantering Lil.

She is so NICE

whoa what is dis?

WHY YES that would be a SLIDING STOP....how freaking cool??

I knew she was an ex-reiner but I didn't think she would remember it. Granted its nothing compared to the ass-to-the-floor stuff you see in competitions but for an old gal it sure was impressive.

I was riding the canter and asked her to slow by sitting back and just saying whoa and BAM sliiiiide. I was so surprised I almost fell off, ha! She doesn't even need much hand, just a light tug and shiiiit booty twerk.

I am obsessed now.

I know I am supposed to be re-training her english, but I couldn't pass up the opp for some photos to show his owner! He loved it!

Spiiiiiiin

So that was fun.

I am distracting myself from all the updates on social media about events and clinics and lessons because I really want to be doing all that, but I am content to play right now :)

Oh also I got a job. A real person job. Yay?

I've Been Bad

You can't keep me down. I can't not ride. I've been bad.

Okay, you could keep me down for a week and half, but for the sake of everyone around me, I HAD to get on a horse again. I went without riding for a year in college and it was the worst thing ever. I cut my hair and dyed it black and ate my feelings and gained 40 lbs and was such a bitch to everyone.

No one wants that again.

We went to WI for the 4th and while there we met up with my cousins and had a lovely leisurely trail ride through the woods on the property filled with many deer sightings!

It was wonderful! They have QHs and ride them only a few times a year, but they were very good, even for my novice dad. Cuz put me on the baby since the  adult humans are all older and didn't want to mess with her. Even injured I suppose he thought I could still handle her. Which I did-she wasn't that bad. Just sensitive lil mare.. She was adorable.

Cuz is a "real" cowboy and I always think its funny how decked out he gets for every ride. Love him! Hopefully can make that an annual ride sort of deal.

As soon as I got home Monday from the 5 day trip, I ran to check on the babies, and mom hadn't killed any of them (one time she fed Yankee beet pulp dry and he got trailered to OSU for surgery-ended up pulling through without it but BAD colic...so yeah) and they looked happy and healthy!

All 3 babes

Bacardi has done well gaining weight, just sitting around for 2 weeks and in a month I would say hes gained almost 100lbs? He needs more muscle but DAMN, no more ribs! And Yankee is  FAT little nugget. So fat!

Week 1 on the right-ribs filling in nicely

 Seriously though, talk about $$. Baby can EAT.

I hopped on him tonight and just lazily hacked him about the fields. Trotted a little, but trying to keep it easy on my leg. I had already bareback ridden Yankee in the morning so I didn't want to overdo it (still probably did but YOLO).

horsebeast stargazing

 He was SO good for having 2 whole weeks off. A little squirrely, but to be expected. We even hopped a ditch filled with water 4 times that he refused to go over when he first arrived. Good boy!

I spend most of my time these days daydreaming about shows, but I know that sadly isn't possible this year. I've gotten over being frumpy about that and am excited to work with B in the trailer, fine tune Yankee in dressage, get B some trail experience, start jumping B, and overall just work with them without the stress of showing.

Disappointing this injury put my showing out ANOTHER year, but so it goes.

As requested......

 Sorry you guys didn't get an initial pic, but here's a few weeks later for your viewing pleasure. Nice hard lump right where the blackest bruise sits. MMM. Yummy.

So yeah there's that fuckery. Getting better each day. Maybe one day I can jump again and canter without worrying I'm ruining myself. I knew I couldn't stay off a horse (much less stay sedentary) for 3 months.

So bad.

The Great Kick To The Thigh Synopsis and How Monica Almost Died But Not Really

I realize I basically dropped off the face of the blogging earth for a bit, but I needed my week-ish to sulk and be grumpy. (PMS so so wonderfully hit me full tilt right after my injury so I was a ball of human raw emotion for a few days) I netflixed almost 24 hours a day and cried into my pillow of shame.

Okay. I didn't cry. But I did sulk. Heavily.

I'm over it now and my leg feels A LOT better. By leaps and bounds actually. I can bend my knee and now walk without looking like a fat crippled penguin and I CAN GO UP AND DOWN STAIRS. Its a Christmas miracle. My friends are champions and helped me with chores & riding the Yankee horsebeast a little bit for me.

Looking majestic in the 6:30 AM fog

So steady.

Mostly though they're all sitting around getting FAT. Which I am 100% OK with. Yankee literally is a chunk. You can't even feel his ribs anymore and B has put on about 80lbs this month. I WISH I had taken a better "starting confo" pic. I lunged B a few times but he's too hyper and green for me to lunge at the moment.

Translation: Wild bebe OTTB is feeling his oats and his 2 weeks off and mommy can't hang on to a lunge line while balancing on one leg while he attempts to destroy mommy and her resolve.

I've had a significant amount of time with my grumpy pants on this week and took to trolling the internet and doing things that don't require walking. Like, finding homemade fly sprays and looking at tack I cant and don't need/can't afford. BUT I WANT AN OGILVY OKAY.

I resented for a bit telling the world who kicked me. Because it was none of their business and everyone on the internet has their own opinion about everything and I didn't want to hear it.

Now that I am in a better mood though and don't really care what anyone thinks, prepare yourselves for "The Great Kick To The Thigh Synopsis and How Monica Almost Died But Not Really"

It all started one day after a fierce four days of solid rain. My boarder and I wanted to hack out down the road since our lovely field arena was flooded.

In a twist of fate, we were running late (gotta beat the sun and bugs) and I was in a hurry to get to an appointment.

I grabbed some brushing boots and a body brush, and stupidly and complacently rushed into
Bacardi's stall.

Cue normal baby OTTB response.

He reared, quite magnificently, as I bent down to put his boot on. My mind still hadn't registered that a giant Thoroughbred was above me thrashing wildy at the monster that was his dumb human crouching like I was to attack and eat him. My bad B, my bad. As my tiny imbecile brain realized what was happening .5 seconds later, I made an awkward, seal-like movement to get out of the way and ended up falling backwards in a crouch, folded, like a tortilla over my feet. try to imagine it.

My life quite literally flashed, as I say him attempt to not step on me. And then he came down right on top of my thigh.

Full force, all of his weight. On my leg.

I immediately thought I had died because my vision went black and I felt like I had been shot with a cannon.

Turns out, it was just my muscles shearing in half from the intense force that a sharp baby hoof put on it.

As I slowly regained my vision ( I apparently screamed because my boarder came crashing into the stall while I tried to tell him NO DONT SCARE HIM AGAIN but it came out more like nuuuhhhhhhh, hubbb heeeeeeeeeem) and laid there on the ground. Trying to regain composure and GTFO of the stall. But I couldn't make my legs move. I was pretty sure I had broken my back.

Nah, I hadn't but trust me, the pain and adrenaline coursing through me assured me that I was indeed, dying a painful slow death.

I later learned that my legs, back, neck, arms, teeth and face had not been broken. But I did tear several muscle strands in my thigh. Before the hematoma  settled in, there was a disgusting indented hole in my muscle. It was gross. In a cool way.

So there I sat, with a nasty bruise and giant swollen leg, unable to move, really anything, without jarring the shit out of my leg.

So that was painful and scary.

Lesson here kids: Don't get complacent with ANY horse. You never know. Bacardi is a very good baby, and I forget he is STILL a baby. A spooky one at times. It was 100% MY fault and I was an idiot to rush at any horse from behind with boots in my hands. I. Am, an idiot.

So, yeah. That's my overly dramatic retelling. But that's what it felt like. Flash of legs. Flash of life. Cannon. Body shattering. Crying, dying. Realizing mostly fine. 7 Steps. Healing. And now I'm fine.

Sort of.

Still can't ride.

COME ON

I was going to blog about my past few AMAZING rides but I have lost all motivation to be positive.

I got a comment on my last post to stop complaining, but sometimes people get upset and vent frustrations...my blog is where I do that on occasion. If ya'll don't like it then just dont read! But I have been and always will be sarcastic and snarky about most situations.

And something rather devastating happened this morning so brace yourselves for a few months of me being REALLY frustrated.

I got kicked.....HARD.

I am injured...pretty badly.

Tore my thigh muscle real good. Can't bend my knee....and thus, ride. Or work out.

For about 2-3 months.

Will I heed these instructions? Most likely not.

(I'll probably get fat again. And be real sad I can't show this season.)

I just got B and want to keep him in work (hello lunging and bareback rides) AND my friends mare arrived for training yesterday.

What fucking horrendous timing.

I swear to god my life is full of moments of excellence to lull me into happiness then shits on me, haha.

Granted, it wasn't my HEAD or knee and I didn't break anything, but a tear is pretty serious. You can literally stick your finger in the hole in my leg...its gross. And apparently my leg is going to fill up with blood and get a really hard lump and just be gross and bruised.

So, with GOOD reason, I am real upset today about life.

Here's a pic from my last flat ride and of my beautiful boys because why not

I am going to try my best to stay positive, but COME ON life, WHY. Everything was going great.

Motivate Me

I'm finding it increasingly difficult to ride 2 horses a day with the onslaught of intense humidity and rising temperatures. (strangely enough, the day the following pics were taken it was 45* at 7am and I was frozen. SUMMER WTF)

I know the easiest solution is just get up earlier, but my body went from working 70 hours a week, to nothing at all and has taken a drastic change in course when it comes to sleep patterns. Meaning I can't fall asleep till like 3 am, and cannot force myself to wake up before 830. I need to reverse this stat before I get in too deep.

That aside, I've put in some good work with the ponies ( riding every other day or so) even with the jank ass footing. It didn't stop raining for a week so we did a lot of hill/road work which is actually beneficial. Once the "arena" dried we did a bit more real dressage work with circles, transitions and change of directions for B, and 3rd stuff for The Yankee. Sadly, we have yet to get any Yankee video but I do have some cool pics of Bacardi.

This 'lil' man truly puts in work everytime I get on him. Gives 110% every ride, every time. He never quits. Even when he's frustrated or confused he keeps truckin'. Fabulously too, I can't get over his natural gaits.

Is this horse really five years old? No, he can't be.

Granted that is his good direction (right lead canter is a HOT mess), but can we please appreciate his understanding of inside leg to outside rein already?

Yes that would be an open inside rein and him still on the contact <3 br="">

He's way more consistent to the left, which is expected, but when he's on, he is ON

RED HORSE I LOVE YOU WHY YOU SO PERFECT.

Yes yes, Yankee is STILL my precious angelface and ALWAYS will be, I am just floored by this OTTB and his ease in the transition from racehorse to event horse. Granted his old owner did a LOT of the grunt work and got him started in contact, but he is truly taking this dressage thing by the reins (haha equestrian humor).

I could look at pics of my shiny penny all day.

FAV

I have yet to jump the nugget and plan to do that soonly, but I have ZERO jump materials.

As a child I jumped Spirit and Yankee over picnic tables and trash cans. Ratchet.

HOPEFULLY I will be taking Yanks to twin Towers this weekend to jump, but since B is god awful in the trailer I will be leaving him at home this time until we school a bit more with that wretched moving metal thing.

Also, Jackie is baaaaaack and she is a'bloggin. Check her out at The Wondermare because she is awesome and my bestie.